Phew. Good to be home. I first figured being at H´s parents´ would be easier because there´s nothing reminding me of grandma. Well, I was wrong. I felt terrible, thought I was going to suffocate. Now don´t get me wrong, in many ways the weekend was different than any other weekend before. I actually enjoyed staying there. H´s parents were different. His mom gave me a tight and long hug the second I walked in. Aww... His dad just said "I´m sorry to hear about grandma..." Honestly, I didn´t even expect him to hug me. *grins* H´s 84-year-old grandma was as lovely as always. She´s such a joy. They all seemed a little different. I don´t know, maybe I just looked at them differently. Or maybe it was just me being sensitive. Now I know why I like them. Watching TV and eating ice cream at 2am is not weird for them. ;) The reason why I felt so lost there was probably because I wasn´t around my family, the way I´ve been since grandma passed away.

I talked about all this to a friend who´s a nurse and lives near H´s parents. She listened and I talked. In a way she´s always been a bit manipulative. If you listen to her hard enough, she can make black turn white. Last summer I suddenly realised it. I had always been so tired after talking with her but didn´t understand why. I never was allowed to have my own opinions. If I said I didn´t like let´s say apples when I went there. I LOVED them when I left home. Doh! What´s up with that?! She´s a lot of fun as long as you don´t say your own opinions out loud. Especially if they´re not the same as hers. So, while talking to her on Friday I saw she didn´t agree with everything I said, about the funeral, my family, grandma´s family or my other relatives. I could tell it by the way she was looking at me. But didn´t say anything. First I thought "Uh oh..." Then I realised, these are MY feelings. (excuse me for my language) Why the fuck should I care what SHE thinks? She has met my mom but not the others. If she doesn´t approve what I feel, or think...well, too bad. You know what she said to me 3 years ago. I met her for the first time 4 years ago. After visiting her and her family for about a year she suddenly said "You know, when I first met you I thought you were one of those bitchy and arrogant city girls but after getting to know you I told "S" (her daughter) she´s friggin awesome...!!" Errr. Okay. *laughs* I remember when I first met her. It was Midsummer´s Eve...pouring rain outside. I had a terrible migraine (thank god those days are over now...), I was so bored and felt left out as I didn´t know a single soul there. They were sitting in a car and we were standing outside under an umbrella, I was standing behind H because we had only one umbrella. In case you didn´t know, I´m VERY SHY. I guess that didn´t have anything to do with what kind of an impression she got? *grins*

I remember what I did exactly 12 years ago. My uncle died 8th of Aug in 1993. I remember the day clearly, from the first phone call from grandma at 5am. His death was a huge shock to everyone. The first night after his death, I will never forget it. Now "uncle-I" and grandma are together. She never showed how much she hurt... In a way, I wish she would have. Her feelings came a little closer when I had to "interview" my grandparents for a school work a little over a year ago.

I want something new in my living room... Actually I´ve been wanting those cute little lamps for ages but haven´t had the money. Which ones would fit here? J or B? I like this one too... But, it´s too expensive right now.

Have you guys been watching IAAF World Championships? That´s all that comes out of our TV for the next two weeks... Grrr! I should get another TV in the bedroom.

Ohhh...B2G! I can´t open your blog. Is it me?