There´s really not much to say about the funeral. The funeral service was very beautiful, just the way grandma would have wanted. Keep it simple, she said about most of the things. I like the cemetary chapel. It´s calming... After the service we took grandma´s beautiful white coffin to graveyard. Grandpa, mom´s both brothers, my dad, mom´s oldest brother´s son, and grandma´s brother carried the coffin and laid it down in grandma´s grave. All the grandchildren, all 10 of us, threw white roses into the grave. A cover was placed over the grave, and covered with a beautiful, colorful sea of flowers.

After the service the guests came to grandparents´ for coffee. They didn´t stay long. All the guests had left by 3pm. After that we went back to cemetary. We made grandma vihta which is used in sauna. Sauna was like a church to grandma. She loved it... We threw it on top of the coffin. Before the funeral grandma was dressed in her own pj´s and woollen socks that she loved and mom put her knitting needles and wool in the coffin.

Later that evening we all, grandpa, my family + H and both of my uncles´ families went to the summer house where grandma died. We warmed the sauna...

I don´t want to post any pictures from the funeral because it´s too personal...

That day was very hard. But, amazingly, the days after that have been easier. Sometimes I ask myself... don´t I mourn anymore because I don´t cry all the time like I did last week? Then I realise what it means when people say it gets easier every day. I still miss her like crazy and would give anything to hold her once more, but now I understand. She was in pain, now it´s much better for her. I understand but I don´t accept it. Maybe I never will. A thought of something she said or did still makes me cry, all the time. But it´s different. It´s easier to breath now. I am allowed to cry. I´m not ashamed of it. It helps. These past few days I haven´t cried during the day but at night when I get tired I cry myself to sleep. Hmm. Sleep. When I finally fall asleep, I sleep like a baby and wake up only a few times a night. I don´t remember when´s the last time that´s happened. Well, maybe not that long but the sleep is different than it´s been for ages. Deeper and calmer.

We´re going to H parents tomorrow and will be back on Sunday. It feels good to get away for a while. But, I´m scared to leave. I´m scared that something will happen to us, some kind of an accident or something... Silly, I know.

There´s gotta be something good in this. After grandma died the first days I was naturally very sensitive and all the possible moods you can think of. Well, we talked. I and H. God, I have no idea where I got all the strength. But,I told him something that´s been bothering me for YEARS, some kind of a secret, that I have been afraid to tell him because I truly thought IT WILL end our relationship. And for that same reason I have been angry, sad, cranky etc for so many times... For that reason I have thought this will never work. I can´t live in a lie. Well, it´s all said now. "You silly baby" he said while kissing and hugging me. Mmm. I love you, H...

You have no idea how WONDERFUL it feels to say I HAVE NO SECRETS. And mean it, from the bottom of my heart. I can´t believe he knows. And yet he´s still here...