Since my grandma passed away I´ve heard this song in my head... "The harbour of leaving ships". It´s finnish but I can´t find it anywhere. I found the lyrics and I remember how it goes but it would be nice to actually hear it. Maybe I´ll try the library next week. We used to sing it to grandma with my cousins when we were kids. We also sang it at my uncle´s funeral 12 years ago, and I love that song. I want to sing it to grandma at her funeral.

This feeling I have is just something I can´t even describe. It´s like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I can´t breath. She was so much more than a grandmother to me. Mom had me when grandma was 44. She was so different than my friends´ grandmothers when we were kids. She wasn´t wrinkly and old. In some way she was distant. But at the same time she was very warm, caring and loving. She took a lot of secrets with her when she passed away. I wish I had known her better. To know about her life before us, she never talked much about her childhood as it was very rough for her. But the truth is, I couldn´t have known her better than I did. It would have been worse if she had died right after she got ill. This way she gave us 4 years to deal with this. 4 wonderful years to spend with her... It breaks my heart, makes me sick in the stomach, makes my world turn upside down, to think that I will never see her again. I can´t find enough words to tell how much I miss her, her smart ass comments, her cigarettes, her coffee pan, her smell, her smile, her voice. She was my everything. Still is. I have her in my heart, always.

You know what hurts me too. My so called friends. No one came, no one called. No one asked how I am doing. I call them. I feel so alone. I have H here, he´s been great. And my family, I think the reason we´re all taking this the way we are, is that we´re so close. Grandma was one of the things that kept us together. But it would also be nice to talk to someone other than a family member. My friends (closest friends) knew grandma too. She always welcomed them to her home. And the summer house, where she died... But no, no one came. They only visit each others, to gossip. A friend is something I need more than anything right now. If I can´t turn to them on a time like this, when can I? I don´t need friends like that. I don´t normally stay angry very long but this hurts. This hurts more than they can ever realise. I will never forget this.

Now I know what death is.

"Hold, hold me for a while

I know this won't last forever

So hold, hold me tonight

Before the morning takes you away

Hold, hold me for a while

I know this won't last forever

So hold, hold me tonight

Before the morning takes you away

What's that sparkle in your eyes?

Is it tears that I see?

Oh tomorrow you are gone

So tomorrow I'm alone

Short moments of time

We have left to share our love

Hold, hold me for a while

I know this won't last forever

So hold, hold me tonight

Before the morning takes you away

We're in eachothers arms

Soon we're miles apart

Can you imagine how I'll miss,

Your touch and your kiss?

Short moments of time

We have left to share our love

Hold, hold me for a while....

Hold, hold me now,

From dusk of light to dawn

Save, save me now,

A short moment of time

Hold, hold me for a while

I know this won't last forever

So hold, hold me tonight

Before the morning takes you away, takes you away..."

Hold me for a while by Rednex.

She loved colors. She loved roses. I love her.