Don´t say you´re sorry.

I haven´t had much to post lately... Then again, when do I? Last week went by, was just waiting for the funeral. The only time I didn´t go to class was the day after granddad died. I had gone to bed a little before 6am and classes started at 10am. I had lots of work to do, kept myself busy most of the time.

The funeral was on Saturday. A lot of things could have gone better - but, it was still nice. A men´s choir sang (granddad used to sing with them also), it was beautiful. The guitar and all... Didn´t have that many guests. My aunt´s family, granddad´s sisters and their families, grandmom´s brother and sister and her family...some of dad´s cousins and my uncle and his family+grandpa from mom´s side. Eventho I´ve never been much of a people person, I thought it was too small. I mean, knowing granddad and his, how should I say this, social life and political activities were HUGE... But, it´s the way grandmom wanted. The whole time I didn´t understand where I was. I still don´t.

I´m numb. It´s been less than 6 months since grandma died and having to deal with this again just makes me shut down. I can´t deal with the loss of grandma, not to mention to start dealing with the latest. I´m full of contradictions. I don´t know what I´m supposed to feel. I´m sad, very... but I don´t know where to start.

Things haven´t been well with H, either... About a week ago I gave him back my engagement ring and told him to do what he wants with it. Things have been going bad between us for so long and I can´t take this anymore. I love him, that´s not the problem. And I know he loves me, too. We´re just too different, in every way that I can possible think of. It just breaks my heart, to see him hurt like this but I know this is for the best. For both of us... We both need some time to think. Him the most, I think. I know what I want, and he knows what I want. But I don´t know what he wants. "I want you" he says. That´s not enough, he can´t just BE and think everything is handed to him on a silver plate. He just doesn´t get that you have to work to make the relationship work. It´s really sad, because I want to be with him and I´m tired of kicking his ass..HEY I`M HERE, TOO!! Are all men the same? I think not... Is it really too much to ask...to say "I love you" once in a while? Without me saying it first. It´s always "same here". Or tell how gorgeous I am and how much he wants me. Heheh. Seriously, who doesn´t love compliments? I know you do. ;) Every woman needs them. I know that´s not the "real" reason, but is one of them. I NEED AFFECTION! As I´ve said a hundred times before, I know my own personal issues just make things look worse than they actually are. I have to deal with myself at first and then him.

It´s funny really, the sex turns out to be just - mind blowing, the second we "broke up". I already told him we should break up more often. I know what you´re thinking. And you´re absolutely right, it´s only messing my head. We´re still living together, it´s not easy to just leave. Specially now, right before graduation because I know I will be moving to another city in 6 months. I´m sad things turned the way they did but we should think of this as a new beginning for both of us. He´s trying, he really is... And I appreciate it more than he knows. But there is no way going back. Ever. If we decide to try (for the 20375977th time) again, I will never go back to way things were. He knows it. He actually admitted that all those times I´ve talked to him about this, he hasn´t taken me seriously. Well, it´s about time he did!

How do you do it? After all those years, how do you keep your relationship alive and satisfying?