I knew it was to happen someday but I never thought it would happen so soon. This is like a nightmare, a bad dream and I´m not waking up. I´m so confused...how can it be? I´m not asking why. All I´m feeling right now is disbelief. I´m not sure what I´m supposed to feel. Of course I´m very sad and teary... My surprisingly calm state of mind is just what wondering about. Maybe I´ve grown somehow after grandma died. Maybe it gave me new ways, more strength to deal things like these in the future. Of course you never get used to it. Being this calm only makes me compare my reactions to what I felt when grandma died. Mom always says I couldn´t have done more for her. "You gave her your everything..." I did, and no doupt I´d do it again. I think it´s a lot for someone my age. I mean it all started when I was 18. Now that I think about it, I lived my life without really living it. I was like a robot...like everyone else in my family. What other choice did I have? It was like I watched someone else live my life. I still feel that way. She was my best friend. Eventho I´ve always been close with mom, grandma was different. It was so much easier to talk to her. I was only 11 when my uncle died and I don´t really remember how I felt then and grandma was the first I lost.

How can I mourn over something that never existed? He was "only" my dad´s dad. Someone who I visited on regular bases...who never asked me how I was doing. Who never called me after grandma died or even spoke to me at the funeral. In a way I don´t feel guilty for not visiting or calling them more often. A few years ago someone told me to stay in touch with my grandparents when it´s not too late. I wanted to know them. I wanted to know about their lives. I wanted to know what was going on inside their heads. I wanted it so bad... And I´m really sad that I never got to know him the way I know grandpa J (mom´s side). I tried but gave up years ago when I realized I was fooling myself. What could´ve I done? It was their choice to not to be in our lives. I don´t know why. I wish I knew... I´m not trying to be disrespectful and I have nothing bad to say about him/them. I just wish I had known him better. Eventho I never really knew him and never told him, I did love him. He was still my granddad and the reason I´m here...

I had just taken a shower when dad called me a little after 11pm. All I heard was "grandpa had a heart attack..he´s unconscious and they´re trying to save him." I got hysterical. I thought it was grandpa J. I kept yelling this can´t be happening, I always thought it only happend to OLD PEOPLE..if for example the wife dies and the husband dies six months after. Dad said he´d call me later..I quickly got dressed, H called a taxi and we drove to the hospital. Mom called me when we were driving there, didn´t talk long. I don´t know where I got the impression that they were there...they weren´t and I told the nurses grandpa´s name and they had no idea what I was talking about..no one had reported about a patient from where he lived. I tried to call dad several times and even talked mom and RM, and STILL I thought it was grandpa...I thought I was losing it. I couldn´t control myself. Then dad called, asked me to come to my grandparents´ and said granddad was dead. Then I realized it was not grandpa J. I´m somewhat ashamed of the feelings I had when I realized it wasn´t him. I was SO relieved. But then the same second I understood I had still lost someone I love...tears are falling down my cheeks now that I think about the emotional rollercoaster I had then, and still do. RM and her friend came to pick us up from the hospital...The police was there...the ambulance was just leaving... I can´t get the image out of my head. Everytime I close my eyes, I see granddad lying on the floor..so small.. I touched his hair..smoothing..makes you realize how suddenly things can change.

This feels unfair. It´s been less than six since grandma died and I´m not over it. It just feels too much for one person to handle. The night he died... I was in the shower, thinking about H´s parents and how grandma never got to meet them and how she would´ve liked them. I thought it was a shame my dad´s parents would probably never meet them. I was missing grandma...cried a bit but it was "a good cry", you know. Right now I miss her more than ever, she´d know what to say...she´d know how to make me feel better... Everything just feels so hard now. :( It´s over 5am now...I´ve got to be up a little before 11am. Annie´s coming here and we´re going to work on our diploma work. So not in the mood...

Life just sucks sometimes, doesn´t it?