The thing is, this is not just about some dream anymore. Everyone sees them, I see them. No biggie.
This is about how I feel like he´s keeping me away from him. It hurts so bad to know that there is someone else out there who he tells his feelings and thoughts. It´s killing me, knowing that his life changes and yet I know nothing about what´s going on in his head. Instead of telling me, the woman he lives with every day - sleeps with - makes love to, he tells his fears and joys to his ex girlfriend. What kind of a role do I have in all this?? The day I met her - 4 years ago, I knew I wouldn´t be able to give H what she gives. Emotionally. This feeling grows stronger every minute.
I know many women wouldn´t have accepted their friendship in the first place. I always thought... I know him, friends are very important to him. He has always been a better friend with women than men. I´m just about full of that shit now. I should´ve known better than that. In a situation like that, nothing good comes out of it. Someone will ALWAYS get hurt. One way or another. This time, it´s me.
It hurts so bad to know that he doesn´t trust me. He doesn´t trust me enough to tell me what goes on in his head. I´m not even sure it´s about trust. It "amazes" me in a way. He has always held very strong to their friendship, like it´s bigger than life itself. He would do ANYTHING to keep her in his life (well, that´s how I feel at the moment...) but when it comes to me, and us. He is passive. I have told him so many times that I can´t take this anymore. It takes 2 to tango. Obviously, this tells what his priorities are. OR! If he wants me to share his future with, it´s about time to get a fucking reality check. "Keep playing, end up alone." Tell me, what the fuck is it about her that keeps him away from ME? What is so special about her that men can´t get over her? Sometimes I think SHE is doing this on purpose. I bet she enjoys this situation. Being able to humiliate me, in a way. Being able to wrap men around her little finger.
I´m not even sure he fully understands how serious this situation is. I wrote him a letter. I will give it to him later today when I go home, he has a day off so he will be home too.
I´m not saying he can´t have friends. Or tell them nothing. I´m just saying there are some things that are meant to stay between us. I mean, I tell my best friend a lot. Almost everything. I say, ALMOST. Even if did tell her everything, she´s not my fucking ex! There´s a tiny difference there... Don´t you think?
Someone told me "Don´t be with him just because it´s convinient." That is true. But I must have some feelings for him because I´ve stayed this long. Most women wouldn´t have. All I want is him to SEE me. Notice me. I`m here!! I can be his friend, too. Shouldn´t it be me, of all people, that he comes to when something´s bothering him or he´s happy??? I think I´m being fairly reasonable with all this.
In these past 5 days, all I´ve wanted is him to hold me real tight and say I love you. Is that too much to ask?
4 Comments:
Since your talk what's he said or done? Has he read your blog yet? I'd let him read it. Sometimes men need hit upside the head with a pan-and other times in bad relationships women need to wake up and see the relationship for what it really is. How bad do you have to feel before you realize living your life was not meant to go through emotional and mental suffering?! I'm all for working things out-that's IF both parties seem to get that there's a problem and it needs fixing. My mom once told me "you can't save him, you can only save yourself". Think about it...
He doesn´t read my blog, so he says. I know it wouldn´t be difficult for him to find it as I have all of you in my favourites.
He read my letter. And it was good that I wrote it. Because I think that finally made him understand how I feel. Was an eye-opener. And I think I scared the shit out of him..by doing all the things I did..
About him not talking to me, or argueing.. he said "I know it´s my attitude..." Wow, that´s a beginning. He hates fighting. If I´m angry, he prefers to stay silent and say nothing - even if he had A LOT to say - because he knows I would get upset and that he doesn´t want because he hates it.
I told him it´s not just about the fighting. It´s about EVERYTHING that goes on in his head. He says it´s easier to tell her because she´s "an outsider". Yeah, it´s easier to complain about me to her because he knows she won´t yell at him...Haha. THAT has got to change. If he has something to say, say it for gods sake!
I´m no angel. It´s about time we both look in the mirror. Atleast now he realises there is a problem. That´s a big step, I´d say. Because when I´ve talked to him about this before - a million times - it´s like he never took me seriously. This time, it feels different. I hope...
As for the roomie-part... We aren´t REALLY roomies. It was just like a..hmm.. a financial arrangement.
Mä sanon vaan muutaman asian: Ensinnäkin: olen tosi pahoillani että joudut kärsimään tuolla tavalla emotionaalisesti. Minä tiedän miltä se tuntuu, sillä exäni vedätti muo vuosia ennenkuin erosimme. En tarkoita, että teillä ero olisi ainoa vaihtoehto. Sun vaan ei tarvii kestää tuollaista, koska ansaitset parempaakin. Tee selväksi, että sun ei tarvitse sietää tuollaista meininkiä. Pettämistä on monenlaista eikä se aina ole fyysistä. Mielestäni kumppanisi pettää sinua henkisellä tasolla exänsä kanssa.
Usko pois, sympatiseeraan ihan täysin, sillä uskon tietäväni miltä nuo asiat sinusta tuntuvat. Exäni ja minun suhteessa homma meni aina niin, että minä olin se, joka kantoi henkisen vastuun, vaikka olin exää 6 vuotta nuorempi. Kun oli uhka päällä, että jätän hänet, sitten tuli aina muutos kuvioihin ja mies osasi puhua hienosti minut uskomaan, että kaikki vielä muuttuu, kunnes kohta oli taas samaa henkistä väkivaltaa, minut pidettiin henkisesti ulkopuolella ja samaa vedätystä vain jatkui.
Nyt mulla on samat kristilliset arvot omaava mies ja hän on paras ystäväni.
Mitä tahansa teille käykin, toivon sinulle jaksamista ja kaikkea hyvää!
Hmm... Pettää henkisesti. Aika hyvin sanottu. Ollaan puhuttu paljon ja se on kyllä auttanut. Tiedän kyllä, että joissain asioissa ylireagoin ja mulla kyllä oli siihen täysi oikeus.
Tiedän, että se rakastaa mua... Ei tässä siitä ole kyse. Mutta mieltä painaa se, että tiedän etten koskaan "voi yltää samalle tasolle" kuin tää ex... Miksi? Siinäpä pähkinä purtavaksi.
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