oh those small "joys" of a relationship...

When you do something you´re not supposed to, it always ends up hurting you. Dammit. I´m such a moron.

I was on the computer a while ago. I was opening the internet but accidently opened Microsoft Outlook as it is under the Internet Explorer. There it was. H´s email to his friend, ex actually. She´s ok. But the email... Of course I just had to read a part of it. It was about a dream H had of his other ex. That first it was a normal dream, they were in sauna and talking...etc.. Then it turned into a hot and wet dream. H wasn´t excited about the dream but the way it felt. He said he was turned on and breathless when he woke up. The reason that I reacted like this was that I know him. And he said BEING INSIDE HER felt so real, fantastic. Made him speechless. Okay, wtf? He also said it was weird waking up next to me after seeing that kind of dream... Yeah, no kidding?!?!

And the fact that the dream was about HER, the fucking *literally* queen bitch herself, hurts even more. It was like hard slap on my face. I know this sounds stupid and childish. But I´ve always had "a thing" about her. This even started to amuse me somehow when I thought about it while doing laundry this morning. Everytime something like this happens, I start banging the doors and clatter the dishes real hard. And another thing is, I stop walking around naked. :-D Yes, I do that sometimes. And start dressing up in the bedroom or bathroom. I haven´t realised it before. But today, it hit me. I always do that.

I knew he had a dream about her. He told me and I joked about it. He grinned and said "Not that kind of dream..." What was that about??? Why did he tell me about in the first place if he had to lie about it?

When I´m angry or sad (or want to annoy him) at him, I have this song I always listen... It goes something like "should I know how you kissed your ex girlfriend... do i have to accept it and stay silent.." It´s finnish. But you got the point. I´m not a person who brings up the old stuff everytime we fight. Usually, that is. This is the only thing that I keep taking back into our conversations. God knows why. Maybe I have been too nice about what happened between them AFTER we started dating.

Ugh, I think I should stop now.

"Everyone's known someone they just can't help but want

Even though we just can't make it work out

Well the want to lingers on

So once again we wind up in each other's arms pretending that it's right

I may hate myself in the morning

But I'm gonna love you tonight

I know it's wrong

But it ain't easy moving on

So why can't two friends

Remember the good times once again

Tomorrow when I wake up I'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad

Thinking how it used to be before everything went bad

I guess that's what is In lonely late night calls like this that we try to find

I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight" I may hate myself in the morning by Lee Ann Womack