- BLANK STARE -

It´s been one hell of weekend, I´d say. My mind is totally empty. I´m exhausted. All I want to do is cry... Seeing my baby sister like that breaks my heart. The things she says, I know she doesn´t mean them but still they hurt. So bad...it feels like a hard slap on my face. It makes me feel sick in the stomach. She knows something´s wrong, she´s very upset about it.

She´s afraid of dad dying while she´s in the shower. She said that today after shower. Dad was in the kitchen. "See, I´m right here honey. Nothing bad happened..." dad said. She thinks dad is going to kill her, or she wants to kill dad. Last night when she was kissing and hugging me she suddenly had a scared look on her face. She went to another room and said "when I was kissing and hugging M I wanted to kill her...and I don´t really want that. You know that M, don´t you?" I couldn´t say anything, I was just biting my lip, trying not to cry infront of her. Sometimes she says she wants her teacher to be her dad. "I don´t want J to be my dad, I love my daddy. I don´t want anyone else to be my daddy..." she says crying.

She also has these thoughts of having sex with someone. If she sees someone, she might think she wants to have sex with that person. Hmm...

These thoughts she has... She is scared of them. Because they are not what she really wants. She realizes they are wrong. We have been trying to tell her that her thoughts can not hurt us. I think it´s "funny" in a way... How most of her thoughts are directed to dad - maybe because she´s always been a daddy´s girl, like me. Hehe. It feels bad to see how much it hurts dad... She says she thinks it´s weird that her thoughts are only directed to the persons she loves very much. Sometimes she says she is ready to die.

The more I listen to her the more I remember my own thoughts when I was about her age. Same kind of thoughts, hers are only much more aggravated. After seeing that young unconscious boy made her think that SHE could die, too. Ugh. I don´t know.She´s afraid this won´t go away... It will, it just takes time.

Mom is a psychiatric nurse. She got my sister help very fast... A psychiatrist from her work came to my parents´ house yesterday... And they are starting some kind of therapy on Monday.

Ugh. Enough said.

H went to his parents today. I really don´t want to be home alone.