I feel like I´m losing everything. Everything that is important to me. Like I have no control, things just happen. And I´m watching things slowly fading away... I miss my friends more than I can tell. I don´t know what has happened in these past few years but I have lost too much. Like I don´t fit in anymore. We´re all supposed to be adults but still *some of us* act like we 15 years old still. Thinking nothing can hurt us, anything we say or do won´t effect others. We have become cruel. To each other. It is sad. It truly is.

After a phone call with my best friend Susanna *I have two good friends, Susanna and Emma..names changed* I said to H, tell me I haven´t become like her... The way she talked, it wasn´t like her. I heard her but couldn´t understand all the bitterness in her voice as she complained about Annie. There is a big party coming up next week. Susanna is graduating and we are all going. Susanna has always been very quiet her business but lately, after New Year´s Eve 2003, she has become more and more open. She has become a plain talker. Words just come out of her mouth, without her realising it. First she says, then she MIGHT think. Ohh lordy. That drama after a few drinks! I´m so tired of that. I´m tired of being afraid of what kind of a scene she might make. It has happened before, and it will happen again. She has gotten me into trouble so many times... But still, I wouldn´t trade her for anything. I just wish she would let me near again. Something´s happened. And I have no idea what.

"The group" we had is gone. There were 7 of us but only a few of us were really close... It makes me sad. Some of us had known each other almost our whole lives... Was it because someone new came into our group and her actions made everything fall into small pieces. I have tried to fix things. I can´t anymore. What´s the point? No one else seems to care - why should I? Is it the boyfriends and girlfriends? Are they our new lives now? We all seem to have forgotten the life we had before everything changed. Before everything went bad. There are too many secrets between us. Secrets that cannot be told. Secrets that everyone knows but no one says out loud.

I am not like that. I don´t want to be.

Is it because we are finally showing our true nature. We are not kids anymore, we can´t act like things were still the same they were 10 years ago. We have learned so much of each other in these past few years. Now that everything is out in the open, you finally show that you are everything but the sweet girl next door. You let your own prejudices ruin everything. Just say it. Nothing is better than your life. Your school, your work, your boyfriend/girlfriend, your family, your kids, your everything. That is just sad.

Emma has never been part of "that group". She had her own "group" growing up but still we made our way thru the wild teen years. Together. No matter how many people we had between us, no matter how long it had been since we´d talked. Still we had that connection. We went to highschool. We both had our own interests... Then something clicked again. She called me, I called her. Since then, and before, I knew she was my bestest friend. No matter how many kilometers we had between us, no matter what happened in our lives, we´d still be together. I love her for that. She has always been the one I can trust. How many tears and laughs have we had together... She moved to another side of the country and nothing changed. She broke up with her boyfriend and moved back here last summer. Everything was still the same. I was so happy to get her back... A lot has happened in these past 6 months. I don´t know her anymore. She started going out with a guy I have never met. He lives hours away. She is so much in love. I wish I could be there, sharing those feelings with her. But she has become more and more quiet, she has lost a lot of weight and I can´t reach to her anymore. I miss you... :(