I felt like I needed to get something out of my mind but now I don´t know what to blog about. Things have been hectic. I´m feeling a lot better tho. Now that I think more clearly and see things from a different point of view, I feel sick thinking the feelings I had... God, I have never felt like that. I really thought I was going to die. Of course I know this won´t go away over night but I´m getting better every day. I got help and I´m actually proud of myself that I knew when to get help. I was so stressed that I started to get physical symptoms also. I was so confused, not knowing what was wrong and I felt like no one took my problems seriously. Now after some tests and doctor appoitments I´m much more calmer. I´ve also realized that I´m really the only one who can make my life the kind I want it to be.

I have 2 choices. I can either continue to destroy myself or change it for the better.

A lot of things have changed in my life in the last year and it´s not all good. I don´t know what I´d do differently if it changed things back to way they were. I know I shouldn´t get stuck thinking about the past but it´s not easy to forget. In the past few months I´ve said I don´t care. But I do. It has had a bigger effect than I knew... I would like to know what the hell happened to us. What was so bad that it made all of us go seperate ways...what ruined our friendship? A friend of mine said "Listen M, even true friendships end sometimes." I never thought that would happen to us. I am so sad. I easily bottle things up in my mind... Getting over grandma´s death would have been so much easier if I had had a friend to talk to, someone who´s shoulder I could´ve cried on. I thought they were my friends. But they didn´t call, visit or anything.

When I should´ve been able to talk to a friend they left me alone, I bottled things up and it became too much to handle alone. Now I have a pro to talk to. How cool is that. Right...

I can´t say I´m happy about this. I´m very disappointed. I just have to find new friends. I´m done feeling sorry for myself. Hey, it´s their loss. I´ve opened a chapter in my life. I´ve started to exercise. I´ve even lost weight and I feel a lot better. Things are going well with H. He´s been very supportive. It´s going to be one hell of a challenge but I´m going to get what I want.