Elämä on

"Don´t read my blog - you have no right to know about my life. I don´t want you to have that privelege. You don´t deserve to know about my sufferings, my joys, and my loves.

Don´t talk to me - I have nothing more to say to you. All I could say, I have already said. And to repeat myself would only be detrimental.

Don´t ask me questions - Your questions are hollow. Don´t pretend to give a shit. Actions speak volumes more than words.

Don´t act like you´re better than anyone - if I have learned anything, it is to be nice to people. Bad karma is a bitch... I know first hand.

Don´t expect me to be there for you - but I always will.

Don´t expect things to ever recover - the past is just that, the past.

Don´t wish me a Merry Christmas - it will be a great day with the people I care about most, and that care about me: my family and friends. I wish you the best though.

Don´t wish me a happy New Year - unless you wish I forget the previous year. One day begins a new year, and a new beginning." By Joseph Nickolas Razavian.

I posted that a year ago and it´s still the same... I got stood up today, again. I feel angry for even asking her, I should´ve known better. I am no longer going to be everyone´s bunching bag. Ohh those days are over. I have often thought about how much I can take. Where´s my limit of how much shit others can pour on me. I am done with this. If this is all they do to me, I am better off without them and find new people in my life. I don´t need this. This is an endless rollercoaster and I´m putting an end to it. The others stopped caring, why shoud I hold on to something that hasn´t been there for the longest time... I´m glad I´ve finally opened my eyes. I´m ready to welcome my new life - it can´t get any worse than this.

This weekend was kind of exhausting. We went to see grandpa. It was hard going there, the house felt so empty. He had grandma´s picture and a candle on the table. I don´t care if he keeps them there, it helps him. But for once I would like to go there without seeing her picture right after coming in the door... It´s hard enough without them. I never thought it would be this hard. Sometimes even shame is the right word to describe my feelings. Sometimes I think I´m not allowed to feel so much sorrow. She was "only" a grandma. Grandparents die. She was so much more than just a grandparent to me... How long is this period of my grieving process going to last...It´s so much easier to help people at work when you have all the theory you can base your sayings on but on personal matters, it´s like those books etc. never existed.

Hmmm. Speaking of Christmas. It´s going to be a quiet holiday here. My uncle is going to Brazil with his family to visit his wife´s family. And since grandma isn´t here either, there will be only me, my family, H and grandpa. Mom´s oldest brother lives elsewhere and dad´s family has never been with us... Ugh. I don´t even want to begin to think the spirit here then...

I´m glad a new week is beginning... H already went to bed as he has to wake up a little after 4am. I´m going to meet a friend of mine and her daughter in the afternoon. The house needs cleaning...and my closet needs organizing. Actually everything here needs organizing... We´ve had some serious conversations this week. I don´t know if they did any good. But I finally spoke my mouth clear, the things I´ve been afraid to say outloud to him, afraid of hurting him. I know I hurt him for saying those things, but they hurt me as much they hurt him. More than he can ever realize. I didn´t tell him anything he didn´t already know, in his heart he must have seen it. He can´t possibly be that blind for his own (and mine) actions. If things continue the way they´ve been lately, the love will end and we will get bored of each other and end up fighting and feeling only hate. Our relationship is good and I don´t want to give up. Eventho I love him, I´m not sure if it´s enough. Something is missing and I have no idea what it is. I´m personally so confused about myself, my feelings and thoughts so I don´t know what to expect from others either... Maybe time will tell.