Dragonfly

2009-01-20T20:45:00.002+02:00

Ahh. Life goes on. We´re getting married next July. Yay! "The event" of the decade...lol...

Long time no post...

2008-06-02T14:00:00.002+03:00

"Who knows where I might find myself in a few years..." I posted that in my last post in January. A lot has changed since then. We bought our own place, a 3 bedroom terraced house, in February. We moved in just last week, it´s been a rocky road but we finally made it. It´s not over tho, we still have some financial issues to deal with the seller. There was a damp floor in the bathroom and sauna, also one wall between bathroom and sauna. It´s all dried and fixed now. It was stressfull, but we were lucky to have the old place to live in while the floor dried. The whole process has been a total disaster. NOTHING`S gone as planned. Not one thing. At some point I wasn´t even surprised anymore when something didn´t go the way it should´ve, not even the second time. I guess it was worth all the stressing and bitching... :D We basically renovated everything here. Only doors are old, but looking good with a bit of paint. :) The place is awesome, that´s the only thing that went as planned. ;) we just haven´t had time to enjoy it yet...hoping things will cool down soon.

I´ve been off work for the past three weeks, my first holiday in almost two years. I´m not sure I´d call this a holiday. I´ve done nothing but cleaning and organizing for the past weeks and it seems endless. I´m going back to work tomorrow, to a new ward. I´ve worked there before but it´s a lot different than where I´ve worked after graduating... Nervous, but it´s good to get away from all the cleaning and drilling... :)

H´s grandma died two weeks ago, the funeral is next Saturday... I have the whole weekend off from work so driving so far won´t be a problem... Looks like sun is showing its lovely face again, I´m out for some exercise.

2008-01-08T14:36:00.001+02:00

Happy New Year everyone! :)

Are you on Facebook yet? I am. A friend of mine talked me in to it. I´m totally addicted. Not so much anymore but when I started. I´ve found many familiar faces from wayyyy back. It´s been nice.

I started a new job yesterday. I thought it would´ve been harder to leave the old job. I worked there for a year, it was very teaching in a lot of ways. I´ve grown as a nurse and most importantly as a person. It´s interesting to think back and remember how insecure and scared I was when I started...and think where I am today. I had my last day at the old job last Saturday. I think I still haven´t realized that I no longer work there. The new job is different than the old job but I still get to work with children. :) And that´s what I want to do. I´m sure of that, but my options are limited in this small city. Who knows where I might find myself in a few years... First I´m going to find out how to become a pediatric nurse... I know it would probably take me only a year but it would mean a lot of long hours, driving and being away from H. But I also know that it´s time for me to do something for me.

2007-11-07T22:35:00.000+02:00

It´s hard to believe it´s been two months since I last updated... We made the trip to Barcelona last month, it was very relaxing. We walked a lot, ate well, and just enjoyed each other´s company. :) The hotel was nice but the staff was not so nice. It was supposed to be a 4 star international hotel, but none of the staff spoke English. That wasn´t a problem tho...the service was very slow, sometimes even rude. I´d go there again, the city and the people were definately worth the money and probably someday we will go back...but probably going to stay in a different hotel. :) It took us an hour to get to the centre of the city, it never felt that long, it was a different adventure everytime. ;)

An old friend whom I´ve known for 20 years had a baby girl two months ago. She´s so sweet. And we´re proud of being her godparents. :) Can´t tell how much it meant to me that they asked me, and us.

Oh well.... nothing else is new. :D

2007-09-04T23:36:00.000+03:00

August turned into September. My employment was renewed til the end of October. I´m still liking what I do, it´s just been hard... I guess it´s never easy to be new. I wonder why new nurses always get all the shit...? No matter how well I do my job, it´s never enough. There´s always something to complain. I take criticism well, I think, if it´s constructive. But if it´s only about bad mouthing others... No thank you. I´m having troubles building my self-image. Not to mention my self-esteem... I´ve got no self-respect. Right now I feel like I will always carry the extra weight with me, you just can´t see it but I know it´s there. Losing the extra weight is easy compared to how hard it is trying to live in my new body (still not done... :)) after being so overweight for my whole life. I sometimes wonder if that makes me an easy target at work.

How to get rid of the shyness I´ve carried with me forever?

Ohhh by the way... I´m going to B A R C E L O N A !!!! I´m so excited. The hotel looks awesome. We´re leaving next month. We´ve both saved money, and already paid the flights. I´m afraid of flying and H has never been abroad before (cruises to Stockholm don´t count.. :D).

2007-07-22T22:10:00.000+03:00

Is it wrong to say that the summer´s almost over? Less than 6 months till Christmas. :D It´s funny how work gets you. Sometimes it feels like it´s all I´ve got. I wish I had a friend here...who I could visit and talk to face to face. Emma´s still my best friend but she lives so far away, it´s been months since I´ve seen her.

There´s really not much going on in my life at the moment. Time´s slowly/fast passing by and I don´t even see it. I haven´t been out this summer, not once. I´m either working on weekends or just tired. I did get a chance to party a little last weekend when my cousin got married. I wonder whose bright idea it was to wear high heels 12 hours straight...

No one probably reads this anymore... :D Oh well.

2007-06-11T17:35:00.000+03:00

Looks like it´s been a while. It´s been busy here lately, mostly with work and it doesn´t seem to get any easier. I´ve got 2 night shifts starting tonight, a day off and another 4 night shifts. It would be more important for me to work days so I´d learn more, working nights doesn´t really teach much. I´ve finally found my place, this is the field I want to work in but there aren´t many possibilities for that in this town. We´ll see...

I finally got the pics I promised last month... So here goes... Bedroom (the pic´s a bit small, tried to resize it but photobucket wouldn´t let me...) and livingroom. The rooms are still not done but I´m slowly getting there. :)

I hope you´re all enjoying the summer. :)

2007-05-07T18:16:00.000+03:00

I wonder why I don´t have the need to write down my thoughts anymore. I think it´s more about my work, it´s so hectic most of the times that I don´t have the energy nor the interest to write anything that actually makes sense. And I´d lie if I said knowing someone who knows me reads this blog didn´t bother me... :D Especially when I don´t know who that person is.

My weight loss project is slowly getting back on its feet. I´ve lost about 88 pounds so far, I´ve had a few rough weeks (months!) and I even gained a few pounds, yeah I know that sucks. :D I haven´t exercised much since I started working. I walk and ride my bike but that´s not enough.I´ve been trying to motivate myself for going to the gym but it´s so boring alone.

So, I finally got all the stuff I ordered for the bedroom. I love them...And I´m almost done decorating the living room. I´ll get pics later... now it´s time for Mi Gorda Bella. ;)

2007-04-20T14:57:00.000+03:00

Okay... Pics as I promised.

Living room 1. 2... 3. I haven´t done a lot for this room yet. We were thinking of getting some new furniture at first but decided to wait. Those things behind the tv aren´t staying on the wall... In case you were wondering. ;) Hall. And another.

Computer room. Bedroom. Everything will be changed in this room soon. I just ordered some stuff earlier this week... more pics later. :)

Bathroom.

So...this is the new place. We have all the stuff unpacked but still trying to find their places.

2007-04-19T21:53:00.000+03:00

We just got back our internet connection a week ago but I haven´t had much time to sit infront of the computer. It´s been busy three weeks at work and home. I love this new place...although I`m not used to having this many rooms to decorate, I´m running out of ideas and money. Gladly I´ll get paid regularly atleast until the end of July. :D Moving is stressing, I don´t understand how some people have the energy to move a lot.

I´ll post some pics during the weekend.... I´ve got 4 days off, pure luxury.

2007-04-07T15:48:00.000+03:00

Is it me or blogger but why posts don´t show...

2007-03-27T21:57:00.000+03:00

Hey, we´re on the move... :) Things are real hectic at the moment at work. I´ll be working only nights the next month starting tomorrow. Can hardly wait to have only one day off between 7 nights.

This will be our last night here. Kind of sad... but I´m so excited to start decorating the new place, it looks great especially now after the renovation. We took almost all of our stuff there today. I´m gonna go there and continue to unpack while H is at work.

I´m gonna be offline for about two weeks starting next Saturday... Might stop by your blogs while visiting the parents. So, I´ll see you later. :)

2007-03-11T15:58:00.000+02:00

I´m having troubles deciding where to start packing... I know we should start now because we´re both going to be busy with work these weeks but living around boxes for three weeks doesn´t sound too good... I should start with the things we don´t need all the time. I also thought I´d get rid of my clothes that are too big now. No reason to carry them into the new place if I´m not going to keep them.

I visited one of my oldest friends on Friday. She´s 15 weeks pregnant and her little tummy´s so cute. :) Obviously you can´t tell if you don´t know. :D She´s the first one of my childhood friends having a baby..just so exciting. :)

2007-02-20T21:33:00.000+02:00

Hey all, miss me? ;)

I was forced to switch into new blogger.

Work is crazy.

We´re moving into a triplex in about a month. I just love the kitchen!!!

Hmmhhmmm..what else.. that´s all about the "interesting" stuff in my life. :D

2007-01-27T11:59:00.000+02:00

This year didn´t start as well as it should have. I finally got a little longer employment contract at the hospital, worked only one shift and got a bad stomach flu (still assuming it was just a stomach flu since the symptoms were so much alike with other nurses...) And then last Friday I had a terrible pain in my upper stomach and back, looked like it was a bilious attack... Well, it wasn´t. I had an abdominal ultrasound done and it was clear. The doctors noticed I had abnormal liver test results. They were very high, first doubled in less than five hours. I was admitted to hospital at that point... And they doubled again being way over 1000 (normal under 45) the next morning... Didn´t look too good but the pain had gone away. I didn´t really even have symptoms, I was just very tired and felt heavy.. They took a lot of blood and ran a lot of tests which haven´t all been answered yet... Then on Sunday they suddenly started to drop, all by themself. I hadn´t been given any medicine. Then they had dropped even more on Monday when I was released from the hospital. Some of the results, like bilirubin, had dropped back to normal level.. And now, only a week after the numbers were very scary, only one test was still too high..going down slow but steady. :)

So last weekend was scary as hell. And the days before yesterday when I had to wait to get more blood tests taken to know if they still continued to drop. And, the other good news is that the doctor said it was very likely caused by natural products which I can never ever take again. Have you ever heard of valeriana? Helps you sleep. Almost for eternity... I don´t even want to think what would´ve happened if they hadn´t noticed it and I still would´ve continued taking it..especially since the results changed so rapidly. The doctor said that there might just be more than one reason for this..considering all the changes that´s been going on in my body lately. Might just remain a mystery... Let´s just keep our fingers crossed. :)

2007-01-15T17:42:00.000+02:00

Mikset oululainen ota yhteyttä, jos olet tuttu...? ;) tai tuntematon.

2007-01-14T02:19:00.000+02:00

My latest addiction in the world of telenovelas is Mi Gorda Bella, a story of a fat girl. It´s really easy to relate but the story itself is a little disturbing, the girl marries her 1. cousin. It´s not unusual in some parts of the world but still.. I can always forget the story and enjoy the views. ;) It´s fun to watch after a hard day at work, gives your brain a little time to rest. :D

2007-01-05T14:21:00.000+02:00

Happy New Year! :)

I´ve got the most irritating sleeping habits at the moment. I keep tossing and turning in bed for hours and then finally fall asleep around 5am. I try waking up early in hopes of it making me more tired at nights but so far it hasn´t worked very well. I worked almost the whole Christmas, from 9pm till 7am, and I still haven´t turned my inner clock back. I worked last night too, got home a little before 8am. I guess it´s better than nothing but I´d be more than happy to get rid of the headaches.

H is finally getting a permanent job and that of course means regular income... That makes our life a lot easier. He´s been a temporary employee for three years, they never know what shift they have the next day until 6pm every weekday. It´s hard to make any plans, I´ve learned not to make any especially on Fridays and Saturdays. I don´t even remember how many times we´ve made plans on going out to see a movie or just go out and the plans are never more than just plans. The last months since last spring have been hectic, he´s worked long hours. I know I shouldn´t complain...it would just be nice to do things together once in a while. So now that he´s getting a permanent job it means one week of morning shifts and one week evening shifts... Of course that doesn´t stop him for working ot but I´ll keep my fingers crossed for one or two Friday nights off.. :)

2006-12-23T16:40:00.000+02:00

Every year when grandpa begins selling christmas trees, my Christmas comes. Not this year. It´s been hard to get in the mood since it´s been so dark and grey lately, there´s hardly any snow. Doesn´t really feel like Christmas being only a night away. I´ve done almost all of my christmas shopping. I still haven´t found anything for Emma.

We had a Christmas party yesterday. We went out for vietnamese with our friends and spent the evening at our place listening to music and talking.

I´m slowly finding my place in the field of nursing... I´ve worked in many different wards lately and it´s been a real eye opener of what I want to do. I´m a medical-surgical nurse but I´m much more into medical... it´s much more interesting.

My 12-year-old sister asked if orgams was a feel of needing to clean after sex... I´m not quite sure what mom answered. I wonder where she got that idea.

I´m off to do the last minute shopping...

"Merry Christmas

Happy New Year too

May your dreams come true

And may a Christmas star

Shine brightly where you are

I wish a Very Merry Christmas to you." Tamara Moir

2006-12-10T22:28:00.000+02:00

I just noticed we´re almost halfway through December and I haven´t posted this month yet! Must be a record. I guess there are a lot of things that I haven´t paid much attention to lately... I realised yesterday that there´s only 2 weeks left before Christmas and I haven´t done any of the things I had on the list to do before Christmas. And I hate the shopping. I know what I´m gonna get for my parents but the rest of the gifts are still a mystery.

Ohh and I got my first paycheck a while ago... the second soon to come, yay! and I treated myself with a facial, it was awesome and very relaxing. I also bought myself new wintershoes. I´ve never had that kind of shoes, they´re awesome... :D mmm..everything seems to be awesome these days.

2006-11-29T22:21:00.000+02:00

Yes, this is me. The moment you´ve all been waiting for... :D

2006-11-22T22:43:00.000+02:00

Daniel Powter-Love You Lately

Friends forever

2006-11-17T13:10:00.000+02:00

I´ve opened Blogger to post many times during the week but I just have nothing to say. I´ve been thinking about the reasons why I started to blog 2,5 years ago. At first it was just something I had to have because a friend of mine had one too but then it became a place where I could tell my thoughts to the world. I never meant this blog to be entertaining, it´s just my life. I mean, if someone wrote this dull I probably wouldn´t have the interest to read very often.. :D I don´t blog as often as I used to anymore. I don´t know why. My life´s been very quiet since I graduated and since I became friends with the girl I met in WW, Hanna. We talk so much that at the end of the day my head is empty from all the thoughts I used to write here. We meet almost everyday, if I don´t see her and the kids for a few days I actually start to miss them. :D I can´t begin to tell you how much fun we have together. The other day when I was at her place, I tried her clothes on and she tried mine. It was awesome. I had never had another person´s clothes on before. I had her 4,5 month old baby girl here yesterday for about 4 hours. She´s so cute.

Tuesday was my last day at work for now... I don´t get paid until the end of the month. That sucks, I would´ve needed the money now. Too many bills waiting to be paid... and I need to buy a new living room carpet. They opened the world´s northest Ikea near here this Wednesday...there were so many people that everyone didn´t get in the first day. I´ll probably wait until next week.

2006-11-09T15:59:00.000+02:00

I´ve got a job. It´s temporary but it´s better than nothing. I like it very much, it´s hard as hell but I think I´ve done good. :) It´s been hard to step out of the student role, this is the first I work in a hospital ward after graduation. I´m not allowed to give the patients IV-meds but I guess I´ll have the test soon to have the permission. I´m scared that I won´t pass it... Like I´ve forgotten most of the things. There are so many things you need to know. I´ve had only morning shifts, today was the third... It´s a familiar ward, I know most of the nurses. I had been there less than a minute the first morning when the first male nurse mentioned about my weightloss. It´s nice when people notice but I don´t want everything to revolve around it. I´ve seen only one of my classmates, worked with her yesterday.. was nice.

I honestly don´t remember the last time I`ve felt this tired. It would be nice to have a few evening shifts too.. wouldn´t always have to wake up at 5.30am. Can´t complain tho.. i get good money, my taxes are low since I haven´t worked much this year yet. :) Will have to change the % later this year tho. Time to start making the dinner... Ugh.

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky...

2006-10-31T16:17:00.000+02:00

It´s interesting how a person´s thoughts and mind can change so rapidly. I can see that change in me already, how different I think of some things now than I did last year. Sometimes I have to stop and wonder if I´ve really gotten that shallow... The truth is, that´s the way people have always been. I´m not saying everyone is but that´s just how the world is today. I know what it feels like when you want to go to the other side of the street so that "those kids" won´t say anything about you being fat, I know what it feels like when people stare, from head to toe. I could go on and on with the list... It´s not my intention to soak in selfpitty, I´m over that now. It´s just really easy to forget all that stuff and go with the flow. It´s easy to forget that you once were "one of them", one of those people who get stared at in the street. No matter how bad it felt. It´s amazing how bitter one can get, to all those people... I´m nowhere near my goalweight yet and it´s somewhat disturbing to realize how bitter I am to some people...that I have a need to show them, to flip them on the nose and think I will never ever be like them. I will never be like you.

What´s with the new Blogger in beta???

2006-10-18T21:41:00.000+03:00

I´ve got a new hobby that I go to once a week with my mom, it´s our time... It´s been really nice going there with her, I felt so lost there last week when she wasn´t there. Have you ever heard of dancehall reggae? It´s an easier version of that... I like it a lot. Good workout for the middle body. :) I also go for walks with a new friend who I met in WW. She´s visited me and I´ve visited her, we have good talks - it´s amazing how one can think so alike. She also works in healthcare industry... Her kids are just adorable, they usually come with us for our walks. It´s good to have that kind of support.

It´s been quiet here. I´m finally getting some sleep, fingers crossed for tonight! H is always at work so it´s me time a l l t h e t i m e. At first it was nice but not anymore. It´s started to affect us, too. He´s always so tired. We never do things together, we see each other in the morning when he leaves and in the evening when he comes home a little before bedtime. Nothing new on my work area, still waiting... it´s frustrating. It´s somewhat humiliating to ask money from him all the time. Eventho he makes good money, it doesn´t really show because there´s two of us using his money. He never complains but of course I can see it bothers him. It bothers me even more to say the least... I can´t wait to get to work.

2006-10-01T17:06:00.000+03:00

I don´t ever wanna grow old if time flies this fast at the age of 23. Today is the first day of October, and I´m actually waiting for Christmas. And winter. This year it´s going to be different than many years before. It sounds silly but I can´t wait to wear my "new clothes" that I got for winter. Gotta enjoy those small joys in life. :D

I´ve been very sick this week, I´ve got a bad sinus infection and it´s making me dizzy. The meds make me nauseous, I´m glad I only have to take them two more days... I´m not too convinced the infection is long gone, tho. I haven´t done ANY exercise this week and now my back hurts so bad from being a couch potato. Maybe next week...

2006-09-19T23:04:00.000+03:00

Hollannin pedofiilipuolueen kieltäminen. Allekirjoittakaa ja pistäkää viestiä eteenpäin!!

I don´t know if it´s the anonymous reader who says she/he knows me or the fact that my life really isn´t blogworthy these days... Nothing interesting going on at the DF residence. I might just take a break from here. I just don´t feel like it at the moment. ´Till next time. :)

2006-09-14T12:08:00.000+03:00

Ei sillä, että mua kauheasti kiinnostaisi mutta olisi ihan kiva tietää, että kuka oot, kun niin kovasti vaan näyttää sua nää mun tekstit kiinnostavan... Olihan se tapahduttava ennemmin tai myöhemmin, että joku "tuttu" bongaa. :D Vaan ei sillä sen väliä.

2006-09-06T23:10:00.000+03:00

Wow, what happened to my visitor activity! Rise up to 200 per day! Please do tell me who you are.... ;)

2006-09-04T10:40:00.000+03:00

I bought an autumn coat, it´s good in spring too... The old one had gotten too big, and was really, I don´t know how you say it - shapeless. So it was about time! There was a sale and only a few of them left. Someone had left two of the same coats in the fitting room, one of then was a size bigger and I decided to try it on at first. It fit. I don´t remember the last time I´ve bought clothes that size! Yay! My winter coat, the black one - I posted a picture of it a while ago... It´s been two months and it looks worse now but I haven´t got money to buy a new one so I took it back to where I (=grandma) bought it and they´re going to take in a little. It´s cheaper that way... Salvation Army has a store here, I´ve also taken my old clothes that have gotten big there. They are practically like new so it would be a waste of money to just throw them away. We went there last week and I found myself a winter coat, only about 8,5 us dollars. It´s like new, don´t know why someone gave it away. Maybe the same reason I took mine there. Well, only better for me. ;)

We went to house warming party on Saturday, it was really nice..although I think I gained a little weight this past weekend. ;) Would be the first time since I started this... Ohh one still has to enjoy life, I blame PMS. :D

I was just going thru my archives and realised that I haven´t really talked about my life, just some random stuff... I remember writing something about "the crisis" H and I had a few months ago. Well things have changed a lot since then. I don´t know what changed it, as long as it´s good and it lasts, I don´t care. H has changed after the accident, he´s more relaxed and open (I´m still training him:D). He´s become more spontaneous and more aware of what´s going on around him. And more importantly, he has started to talk about future. Our future. Like, ahem - wedding in two years. I wouldn´t hold my breath tho.. I´ve told him that I won´t get married before I´ve reached my goal weight and if our plans work, it will take a while. ;) It wasn´t just his fault that things went wrong, I finally took a close look in the mirror. Maybe a thought of losing him in that accident opened my eyes..when I realised how life can change in a blink of an eye.

2006-08-27T22:38:00.000+03:00

Hello - Lionel Richie

2006-08-23T12:46:00.000+03:00

Ahhh, what a trip! I had such a great time, now feeling very relaxed and just... good. :) I saw my cousin on Thursday when she picked me up from the station, spent the day at her place - planning her wedding, yay! I took the evening train and went to Emma´s. Her new place was awesome, the location was perfect, not too much traffic but close to the center.

We went shopping, I didn´t get much... went for a long walk, another day she took her rollerblades and I took her bike. I also dyed her hair..it came out pretty nice, if I may say.. :D There were a few small festivals around the city and we went out on Saturday and had some wine. Ohhh... it makes me smile, the whole time there was just perfect.

I also met "an online friend", let´s call him Rox. I´ve known him for almost 7 years but this was the first time we´d actually meet face to face. I´d say we´ve become close during the years and this will only take it to the next level... There´s nothing romantic between us. I´ve had guys as friends but they haven´t been this close. There´s nothing I can´t tell him, well maybe some girl stuff but you get the point. :D The meeting was hilarious...to say the least. I was surprised that I didn´t even feel nervous when I waited for him. I wasn´t nervous, just excited. But when I met him, I asked "do we have to hug or something?" He looked at me like I had said the most stupid thing and when we did hug, he stepped on my toes..i was wearing sandals. I could tell he was nervous, the way he talked and acted...it was so cute and it made me smile and made me calmer. We went for coffee, as the time went by he became more relaxed and was like a different man compared to what he had been an hour before. I don´t usually talk much with new people, it takes time to be open... But with him I just went on and on and on. I didn´t realize it until I started to think about the meeting later that night. I never think H is the first person I met from the internet because eventho we emailed, we weren´t really friends until we met... So that would make Rox the first person I have ever met from the internet. I did meet one of H´s penpals earlier this summer, but I don´t really even know her... When I left Monday evening, it started to rain when I was sitting in the train.. I had my mp3-player, good music..the feeling was just overwhelming, somewhat magical even...

In all honesty, the trip was more than I ever could´ve hoped for. Looking at pictures taken makes me wanna go back. :D No not really... it´s good to be back home, especially after such a nice welcomehome...

2006-08-09T17:46:00.000+03:00

There hasn´t been much going on in my life this summer. I don´t know where the time went but I just realized it´s August and I´m still on vacation. I needed this. But to tell you the truth I´m done staying home. There are several reasons why I haven´t started working yet but the main reason right now is that I wanted to concentrate on the diet and exercise 100%. And I think I`ve done a pretty good job, BUT... There´s always a but, there shouldn´t be because losing 39 pounds is something I never thought I´d do in such a short period of time. It´s so much easier to work when you´re physically in a better shape. There are so many things that are easier to do now than they were 4 months ago. The but is that I´m not where I wanted to be at this time of the summer. Maybe my goal was set too high, I don´t know but I´m not quite there, for now. Maybe I´m being too hard on myself, maybe I´m not giving myself the time. Maybe I want too much too fast. My last and final goal is months and months away...and if I start staring at it too much I will only be anxious and lose my motivation instead of the weight I still need to lose.

What was your reason to start losing weight? And how do you think your life will or has changed since?

I went out with my sister last weekend. We have never done that before. N-E-V-E-R. And we´re going again this weekend. We went to a concert, which was quite good... And there´s a band playing next weekend also. One of my favourite bands, can hardly wait. This is one of the things that have changed since last summer and all the others before that... I go out more, to see people. I´m done hiding. I also go alone. H doesn´t go with me, it´s just me and the girls. He´s been working a lot this summer and he also enjoys the time alone. I don´t usually even ask if he wants to come or not... This summer has been good for us, maybe because we haven´t spent so much time together. You know, I read somewhere that when a woman starts losing weight and her sexlife gets better, it encourages the woman in the process of reaching the goal weight. Amen! ;)

2006-07-31T13:31:00.000+03:00

The past few weeks have been kind of hectic... We had two kids stay over for 5 days. The boy is 13 and the girl is 11. Boy am I glad they´re home now. I liked having them here but not being used to that kind of activity was almost too much. :D I´m glad my sister still had that giant trampoline. We took them back home last Tuesday, they live near H´s parents. And we stayed there the rest of the week...we came home yesterday. I had troubles finding stuff to do. I couldn´t just exercise all the time. :D

On the other hand I´m glad I´ve been busy... It feels almost impossible that grandma died a year ago, 20th of July to be exact. I´ve been having weird dreams for days now,reflections of the thoughts I have...what I had at the funeral.. things I wanted to say but couldn´t. I still miss her so much, but it´s different now. It´s weird that eventho she´s been gone for over a year now it still feels like I saw her yesterday. I´m not sure if it´s a good or a bad thing. Sometimes I forget. It´s shitty. On times like this I wish she was here. She´d know what to say and do. I wish she could see me now, after losing 35 pounds. I know she would´ve been so proud of me and that´s one of the things that keep me going.

There was a story of a woman in the news... she didn´t know she was pregnant before she was experiencing bad backache and was already in labour. I´m just curious... How is it possible? Obviously it is since it´s happened so many times. I´ve never been pregnant so I don´t know what it feels like but I assume the mother can feel the baby´s moves and kicks sometime thru the pregnancy...?

2006-07-20T02:17:00.000+03:00

The Crabb Family - I sure miss you

"If life could only bring again, the days I took for granted when

To hear your voice was just a call away

Oh what I'd give for just some time, to say the things that slipped my mind

There's so much now I'd really like to say

But I can never go back when we did the things we did back then

I'll store those precious memories in my mind

I'll take what you've instilled in me; I'll try to be all I can be

And walk the path that you have left behind

I sure miss you; life will never be the same with you not here

Each passing day has brought much pain

But with God's grace my strength remains

I sure miss you, but heaven's sweeter with you there

The little things that seemed so small are now gold in a memory vault

I cherish every one I have of you

Now I can see and recognize the part you played to shape my life

I often see you in the things I do

In God's design and master plan He saw the hurting hearts of man

As we would say goodbye to those so dear

So with our family and friends we'll be together once again

We'll view all heaven's splendor hand in hand"

2006-07-16T23:26:00.000+03:00

shake my booty

2006-07-16T03:05:00.000+03:00

I went out tonight for the first time in *i don´t even want to remember* !! A few friends came over, had some wine and good talk. Went to see a band I really really really like. Now I´ve got a sore throat from shouting. I can´t believe how good it felt to dance. I think it´s been over two years since I last danced. It was about time. And it was just the girls´ night out. :) It was also a going away party. I´m so sad!! Emma is moving across the country. We´ve spent a lot of time together lately..we´ve become closer.. it will be weird not having her around.

My baby sister had her first period last week!! I can´t believe she´s growing so fast, she just turned 12. It´s in the air...It´s like what kimmy´s honey said. Now my dad has to deal with three of them. :D I really don´t know how he´s managed to survive with us 4 girls.

2006-07-10T23:17:00.000+03:00

Would you believe that in a world like today someone doesn´t know what a terrorist means....

2006-07-05T01:36:00.000+03:00

I´ve had to build a whole new relationship with food in the last months. And it was delicious by the way. ;)

2006-07-03T02:59:00.000+03:00

Just finished watching The day after tomorrow... First movie after buying the home theater. Awesome. But it got me thinking. What are you going to do to prevent global warming?

2006-07-01T13:10:00.000+03:00

I heard about this woman from a friend... You can send her an email, your and your partner´s date of birth and she foretells when and how many kids you will have. Only out of curiosity, I sent her the email and she replied "You will have 3 kids; a boy in August 2007, ( huh..imagine that :D ), a boy 2010 and another boy 2015." Uh, disturbing. I´ve never thought much of those things but I´ve heard a lot of stories... What´s your experience?

2006-06-29T16:14:00.000+03:00

Time for another solong sucker post!

When I question my motivation all I need to do is look at these pictures and see my old coat practically hanging on me.

2006-06-16T13:31:00.000+03:00

I was out of town earlier this week to visit an old friend, R. We had a girls´ night, another friend joined us also. It was nice seeing them but I couldn´t help noticing that things really have changed. We had a nice time but I think we both now realised things are not the same way they were when she left this city 4 years ago. I really don´t know why that is but during the visit I actually felt uncomfortable and uneasy at times. After all the crap I´ve been through with my friends throughout the years I´ve promised myself I wouldn´t put up with anything like that again... I hate it when I have to be the one who talks and keeps up the conversation. I´ve known R for almost 20 years and I have no idea what still keeps us in touch. We usually see each other 2-3 times a year when the "old gang" meets but I haven´t spent much time alone with her for ages. I guess this shows why... I´m not used to those kinds of conversations with Emma. I never have to think what say to her, there´s nothing I can´t say. I´m going to visit R later this summer but I´m gonna take H with me... :D How sad is that.

Today I visited The Biggest Loser homepage. It´s amazing how much the people have changed! It made me think of my own weight loss, I´ve lost 20 pounds in 7 weeks. What Kimmy said about still feeling like a big girl in the inside after losing weight... It´s so true and one of the things I´m "afraid" of. I guess I will always see myself as the Michelin girl. It´s been so long since I´ve felt this good about myself, and how much better I feel physically. I must admit that I´ve been a bit lazy the last few weeks about going to the gym...and we´re going on vacation tomorrow for a week so I won´t be able exercise as much I`d like to or have to.

Time for my yoga now. Laters. :)

2006-06-11T23:25:00.000+03:00

My dad and H were in an accident, they´re lucky to be alive... And once again, we´re picking up the pieces. It´s gonna take a long time to get through all that happened.

I gotta admit that the list of blogs I read is getting shorter and shorter all the time. When I was still in school and had lots of things to do, I read blogs more than I do now. I wonder why that is. People don´t blog as often as they used to... I´m so behind, I don´t know what´s going on with the people whose blogs I´ve been reading. I´ve had this blog for two years now. I never thought I´d have this this long... And I don´t know why I still keep this. My life isn´t exactly - how should I say it - blogable. :D I mean, who´d want to read about my dull life if even I can´t stand it, occasionally... :D Right now I`m just trying to find some sense in the things I do, say and feel. I congratulate you if you´ve held on this long. ;)

2006-06-09T22:03:00.000+03:00

Last January I asked what´s next. The answer is, an accident. I´m having a hard time believing all the shit has happened within a year... And it seems it´s never ending. I wonder how long I, or the rest of the family can take this.

Ohh and btw, would you kindly send me an email before you add me to your MSN? Gracias. :)

2006-06-04T20:33:00.000+03:00

I didn´t want to come home!!!

Yesterday was lots of fun. As I wrote before, we walked around the city for over 4 hours. The restaurant we went to later was absolutely fantastic. The food was too delicious, staff very friendly etc. And we also experianced real life Sex and the city. :D (jos joskus eksytte Ouluun, käykää tutustumassa. Todellakin käymisen arvoinen paikka...)

The weekend was relaxing, I wish it had been longer... Did I mention I didn´t want to come home to be in the middle of dishes and laundry mountains?

2006-06-03T16:43:00.000+03:00

Guess where I am... in heaven. :)

When we arrived last night and I went to the balcony, I actually thought for a second I had come to another country somewhere in southern Europe because it was so warm. :D See the standard room balcony. There is no fresh air, which is a minus but everything else is goooood. We have a restaurant reservation for tonight. We just came back to the hotel from shopping. I bought new smaller -YAY- capri jeans, white bra and an ankle bracelet. There were so many choices and I wanted them -the clothes- all but my budget isn´t too good at the moment...

Well anyway, I´m off to get ready for tonight. :)

2006-05-25T23:30:00.000+03:00

It´s cool to be international these days so time to learn how to pronounce your name in russian! Don´t forget to turn on your speakers.

2006-05-23T22:45:00.000+03:00

Temperature in Finland

+15 'C / 59 'F This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here. People in Spainwear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun,getting a tan.

+10 'C / 50 'F The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Finns plantflowers in their gardens.

+5 'C / 41 'FItalian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0 'C / 32 'F Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a littlethicker.

-5 'C / 23 'F People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their finalbarbecue before winter.

-10 'C / 14 'F The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20 'C / -4 'F The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations.Autumn is here.

-30 'C / -22 'F People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40 'C / -40 'F Paris starts cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the hotdogstands.

-50 'C / -58 'F Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army postpones theirwinter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60 'C / -76 'F Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent a movie andstay indoors.

-70 'C / -94 'F The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can't storetheir Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on wintersurvival training.

-183 'C / -297.4 'F Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that the farmers'hands are cold.

-273 'C / -459.4 'F ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's coldoutside today."

-300 'C / -508 'FHell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

Would you love a monsterman

2006-05-21T01:15:00.000+03:00

THANK YOU EUROPE!!!!!!!!

YOU

2006-05-18T18:18:00.000+03:00

I´m sobbing here... I´m officially a real registered nurse now, feeling somewhat empty.

2006-05-16T23:09:00.000+03:00

I thought my heart was going to bounce right out of my chest today when I said it for the first time. I answered the phone at work, said the place´s name and my name. After saying NURSE before my name. It felt like I was talking with someone else´s mouth. But it felt damn good. I did it. Marvelous job, me.

2006-05-07T23:10:00.000+03:00

Solong suckerssss!!!!!!!!!!

I hadn´t realised how much smaller I´ve gotten until I tried on a pair of underwear that I got from mom when she cleaned grandma´s closet. Err, that didn´t come out right. She had 4 bra that she had never used, they still had the tag on them. They are really cute. Pink, baby blue and black. Just what I needed. ;) When mom cleaned the closet last winter, she asked if I wanted to have some of grandma´s clothes that were practically new. I didn´t... The underwear was different. Anyway, there goes my old bras in the carbage! I nearly dropped a few tears when I realised they fit. I must´ve looked goofy smiling from ear to ear. It´s those little things that make this worth it. Like the other night I noticed the seatbelt wasn´t so tight anymore. Mom keeps telling me how much happier I seem to be. I would never ever go back to way I was before. Never.

I´ve tried to translate an article about empowerment for Tuesday´s finals. It´s not going too well. The writer has made so difficult sentences that I´m having problems to understand. "US consumer culture uses the very notion of individualism to increase the ability of individuals to be managed by creating illusions of market choice in a context of individual rights." And what the hell does "technologies of the self" mean exactly? I´d really really really appreciate it if someone could translate those to understandable English! :) I mean, I know what empowerment is...I think? But I don´t know what the hell this has to do with nursing. I mean empowerment could be explained a lot easier than this.

I was thinking. Does any of you remember Blue2go? She just disappeared. Was just wondering what happened to her...

2006-05-04T22:54:00.000+03:00

Okay now wish me luck. I´m taking the maturity test tomorrow morning.

Pisteiden laskijat hoi! :) Vähän hakusessa vielä tää homma. Paljonko kanan rintapalassa ilman nahkaa on pisteitä?

2006-05-03T00:28:00.000+03:00

*sighs*

Here I am, still writing my stupid paper about Plato at 1am. What the hell does this have to with my being a nurse...

**UPDATED

Good night. Sleep tight and don´t let the bedbugs bite. :) It´s done. My LAST paper is done. At 2.15 am. I´m ready.

2006-05-02T13:07:00.000+03:00

I´m not sure what to think about this.

My name is DF. And I have an addiction.

2006-04-29T20:30:00.000+03:00

-Juana La Virgen- a venezuelan soapopera. It´s on TV five times a week, I´m totally hooked. Watch it, and you´ll know. ;)

I´ve heard it´s normal for a graduating student... I´m sure it has some personal issues involved too but I don´t want to go to work right after school. Maybe I`m scared of the responsibilities and feel like I don´t really know anything about nursing. I´m really not scared, I´m terrified. I know I can do it but... Now that I´ve found what I want to do, I have no interest in anything other. The sad thing is that the school that I applied to, is very hard to get in... My high school diploma wasn´t that good, it´s a shame that I can´t apply with the diploma I´ll get from this school. It sucks. And it´s f-ing stupid. I´m practically a nurse and still kids graduating from high school with a better diploma than me, have better chances getting in. Oh well. It´s not that I don´t want to do anything other... I´m very anxious, to be honest. I can´t wait to show myself that I can do it. I do enjoy what I do, but it´s not something I only want to do for the rest of my life. I mean, the future in health care is taking care of the elderly... I´m not saying I don´t like it, it´s just not my dream. My bachelor´s thesis is done. I can´t believe it. We still have to present it and that´s it. I just realized that the last classes I have are next week and just a few days a little before graduation. I still have the last two big exams left...first one next Friday. And one paper to write. I know, I´ve been lazy this week! Someone should kick me in the butt. Just these last two weeks and then it´s over. I can´ believe it. Can you? :D

I went to the cemetary earlier this week while jogging. I haven´t visited there often. I thought of these past six months or so and how stressfull it´s been. How nice it would´ve been to go to grandma´s and just sit there, relax and talk about stuff - let it all out and then get back to working on my papers and work practise. These are the times that I miss her the most. I´ve come to the point where I´m accepting it, understanding it, believing it but actually realize that I will never see that person again. It´s like big sighs "ohhh no..." and a little sting in my heart. There will never be a time that I wouldn´t want her to be there when something big happens to me..or even something small. I´ve learned to live with it.

Ohh. And I joined Weight Watchers this week. I´ve already lost a lot of weight on my own, many of my clothes are starting to get too big but I thought it would be nice to be in the group... get support etc.

Labor Day is this weekend. I don´t really feel like partying. I guess I´ll go to my parents or my uncle´s for dinner and come home to finish the paper. The sooner the better... my life is such a joy these days.

2006-04-29T14:52:00.000+03:00

2006-04-20T16:36:00.000+03:00

It breaks my heart everytime I realise this will never work. I´ve been reading this blog... the woman is in a very similar situation with me right now. And she is about to leave her boyfriend. No matter how many hints or good reasons I see, I still want to believe someday this will work. But I´m not going to wait for it to happen because it won´t. Some people just love themselves so much that they don´t want to change anything about themselves.. for anyone. And it´s really not even changing yourself, it´s learning how to live with someone, be in serious relationship. It´s hard work, nothing comes easy...like he thinks. This morning he asked me why it has to be so complicated. I´m not saying it is or it has to be. He´s just not used to fight for anything he loves, compromise. He thinks that if he goes along with my "demands"!!!, there will be one after another and those demands never end. Ok. That says it all. I´m so done. I deserve better. I just wonder when I´m going to understand it.

2006-04-12T22:41:00.000+03:00

It.is.SO.DONE!!!! Yayyyyy!!!!

2006-04-09T14:54:00.000+03:00

Happy Easter!

(me (right) and cous age 7...)

2006-04-01T19:11:00.000+03:00

I´ve got no interest for job hunting. All I want right now is to get this unfinished business over with. In fact, I think it wouldn´t be such a bad idea to keep a little break after school´s over. If it´s over, you never know...the finals can be a bitch. :) I´m so tired that all I could do is sleep, sleep and sleep. But I haven´t got time. I´m nearly pushed over the edge, I don´t know how long I can take this. Probably exactly the second everything is 100% sure...somewhere at the end of May. I thought it was too easy to be true. Studying. Now that I´ve got 2 months left, it´s harder than it´s been these 3 years together.

H went to his parents for the weekend. It´s good to be home alone, get the whole place for myself. I can´t enjoy it much tho, I´ve still got 3 papers (8-12 each) to write in 4 weeks. Don´t ask how I´m gonna do it but I will. I got that damn philosophy done last night and sent it to my teacher right away. I just totally hated it. I´ve got 2 days of work practise left and 6 days off before school begins again. I´ve waited for that day when the work practise ends so bad. I´ve counted the seconds, it´s never been this hard. Today at work made me miss grandma. It all just came back, seeing the people that treated her...the machines...everything. All I could do was hide and cry. It gets better every day. Days go by that I don´t even think of her much, that´s a big step.

I haven´t had much to say lately, eh...

2006-03-28T14:30:00.000+03:00

2006-03-21T22:13:00.000+02:00

Happy birthday to me

2006-03-05T01:15:00.000+02:00

Kimmy, do you still think my floor is ehm, lickable? ;)

Under the oven...

And the fridge.

That is just gross. I mean, there are rules for not moving them! I made a huge inventory today, I organized my stuff...cleaned everything. It tells me that I´m definately preparing myself or us, I don´t know, for "the move".

Happy March!

2006-03-02T21:58:00.000+02:00

Did you know the hair grows after a person is buried? Nails too. Thinking about how long grandma´s hair might be now goes on and on in my head, been like that for days now. Grandma always took care of her hair and nails but wasn´t worried about getting them dirty either. I get stuck to a thought like that when I´m stressed and tired. Tomorrow is my last day at work. Had my assessment with the head nurse and my teacher. It went very well, better than I expected. I´m actually proud of myself. ;) I feel like I´ve finally found my place.

I´m having a hard time to decide. I´m 85% sure I want to do it but... So, I´ve decided that I want to become a midwife also. Since I´d already be a nurse, specialized in surgery and internal diseases, I´d have atleast 2 years to study. I would also have to do another diploma work. I´m not sure I have enough motivation to go to another school right after graduating from another. Maybe I´ll feel differently about this after graduation. After the stress is gone...and time goldens the memories of how stressing this has been lately. :) Who knows, I might even surprise myself. ;) All I know is that I´ve now found something that I´m good at.

I have a springbreak next week. Although it won´t much of a holiday because we´re gonna have work on the diploma work every day. We´ve been working on it a lot this week too. I´ve worked from 7am till 3pm and Annie´s come here around 5pm and stayed till 8-9pm. I really don´t have time nor the interest to use the computer after Annie leaves. The muscles in my neck and shoulders are so stiff. Agh. I don´t even seem to have time to go out to exercise and get some fresh air. I´ll have time to write my own papers for school this weekend, Annie´s at her boyfriend´s and is coming home on Sunday.

See the date on the right, it will come. :)

2006-02-26T17:29:00.000+02:00

No sign, huh? :D

Fuck. We were still the best team. ;)

2006-02-26T00:13:00.000+02:00

I really don´t know where I or we´ll go from here. For the past few weeks I have tried learning to put myself first. For so long I have always thought of everyone else first and then myself. Right now what I have to do is to finish school. Problems with H will have to wait. He understands that, I hope. And phrankly, I wouldn´t have the energy to solve anything with him now. The diploma work is really starting to stress me. I´ve had to put my own problems aside... All the grief work that is still undone. If I don´t do that, I will not graduate on time. I don´t even want to think of the tiredness etc. that comes after graduation...

I watched the Finland-Russia hockey game with my dad. When I lived with my parents me and dad used to watch the games together. That was "our thing". We haven´t done that in years... I had missed that. It was really nice. I think I´ll go watch Finland take gold at my parents. :)

The diploma work and work practise are the only things I´ve got in my life right now. I hate it. I don´t have time to see my friends..what friends.. I don´t have time nor the energy to exercise as much as I´d like to. Not to mention not having time to read your blogs. ;)

2006-02-22T20:56:00.000+02:00

Holymoly! Have a safe trip home, UUUUUU.SSSSSS.AAAAAA. ;)

2006-02-20T21:11:00.000+02:00

"Everytime" by A1.

Why is it that when your heart is broken every love song in the world is about you...?

2006-02-19T01:18:00.000+02:00

My Girl was on TV today. It made me cry my eyes out when I was about ten years old. I don´t know what it is about that movie because, let´s face it - it´s really not that good. :D And it´s always been one of my favourites. It still makes me sniff. When I was about the age those kids are in that movie, I had a friendship like Vada and Thomas J´s. I don´t remember when things changed between us. He was a year older than me and he changed school earlier than I did and got new cool friends. He couldn´t possibly hang out with someone younger, specially with a girl. :D My friends still mention this to me occasionally... (originally told by my mom) When we were about 5 or 6, we were playing family. He wanted to have more kids and I started yelling at him that I would never have another kid again because the contractions were so bad the last time. I guess I had been listening to mom when my sister was born. :D

What´s your all time favourite movie? And why?

2006-02-15T22:25:00.000+02:00

May take a while to load...

2006-02-14T18:51:00.000+02:00

Happy Valentine´s Day everyone!

2006-02-10T15:13:00.000+02:00

Work practise started on Monday, the time just flies there... I love it there. I have to work 32 hours a week, it´s really not that much but I´ve got lots of papers to write and my diploma work with Annie is really..umm..not going too well. We´ve made some progress but it´s annoying that so far everything´s gone on her terms. She´s six months behind me, so we won´t graduate the same time. If the diploma work is not done on time, mid April (and we still have LOTS AND LOTS of work to do), it´s my graduation that is going to be late, not hers. So she obviously doesn´t understand the pressure I´ve got about it... I think it´s wrong that she keeps saying "I can´t do it on that day..and that day..and so on.." It´s everything about her. For god´s sake, she has to forget the friggin baking for her birthday (buy it from the market!) or any other thing that could be done later or not do at all. Earlier this week I told her it´s starting to be that we have to put the diploma work first and then start making other plans. Because to me it seems that everything else is more important than this. And I´m always the one compromising. Don´t you think it´s time I stand up for myself and get it done on time? Like I said, it´s not her graduation "at risk" here.

There´s a new bar/restaurant here that we went to last weekend with my friend, R. Our old english teacher used to call her Rachel when we were in elementary school... So I guess I´m gonna call her that here too. The bar opened last year but I haven´t been there before. We went there early, a little after 9pm, it was pretty quiet and we could talk and even heard what we said but it got really loud and the place was full of smoke. I hate it, I get a real bad headache and my eyes start to wet, that´s why I don´t go to clubs or bars much.. But I did have a real nice cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream. ;) It was nice seeing Rachel. I´ve known her since I was 5, and I used to think of her as my best friend but things change, people change. I hadn´t seen her like for over 8 months. It was nice seeing her but I couldn´t help noticing how shallow our conversations were. This is where we´ve come. Sad, but so true. I used to worry about it, thinking it´s my fault. I don´t anymore. I´m done blaming myself for everything, it takes 2 to tango. A lot more in this case...

2006-02-02T23:01:00.000+02:00

I went for a long walk today. The weather was awesome at first but after I visited the cemetary it became lousy. Ack. The wind was so cold and those cute little snowflakes became icy, it froze my face that I could barely talk. There hasn´t been that many times that I`ve visited grandma´s grave alone. I took a candle there, it had a picture of an angel on the side. It was cute, grandma loved angels. The wind froze my tears, sometimes it´s just too hard. I was happy to be the only person around at the time... I left the cemetary with "She´s so high" by Kurt Nilsen playing in my mp3-player. I know everything´s going to be fine, she told me so.

Soo... Like I said before, I was going to get my stomach checked. It´s done. And it´s ok. The doctor did take biopsy, but said it´s very likely going to be normal. I wasn´t nervous at all. I was surprisingly calm, in fact. I knew it would be ok. I just needed someone to prove it to me. So, the diagnosis is IBS. I´m glad it´s finally done, now I don´t have to worry about it any longer.

That Michael Alvear from Sex Inspectors is just too damn cute. ;)

2006-01-30T17:42:00.000+02:00

Thank God for Conan O´Brien... :D

2006-01-29T20:34:00.000+02:00

Your Career Type: Social

You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy.Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems. You would make an excellent: Counselor - Dental Hygienist - LibrarianNurse - Parole Officer - Personal TrainerPhysical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer.

What's Your Ideal Career?

2006-01-27T18:50:00.000+02:00

Looking at the lack of posts...have I finally gotten myself a life that some bloggers seem to miss? :D Dream on, babe. I don´t mean you, but some might have it like that. ;)

This week´s been kind of busy. I´ve been working, and actually getting paid. Yay. I started on Friday and Saturday. Tuesday and Wednesday I worked from 1pm till 9pm, after being at school from 8am till noon. I wasn´t tired at all. It´s just the clients that wear me out. :D 45 year olds acting like they were 6... Tomorrow my shift begins at 7am and ends at 3pm. I´ve worked there before so the place isn´t new to me. I like it there. The only thing that I`m not very keen on is that I have to work alone. It´s a lot of responsibility. And I think that´s really not the problem, I like the challenge and if I may say, I think I´ve done damn well. ;) It just would be nice to have some other than just the clients to talk to too.

Time has stood still. I honestly don´t know what I´m waiting for anymore. Nothing seems to work anyway. If I could just leave for a while. Away, alone. And think about no one but myself. I´ve got 4 months of school left, it seems like a week ago when I thought 3,5 years of nursing school is a long time. It isn´t really. Needless to say, right now I want that time to stop. I´m not ready. My teacher says it´s normal for students think like that just before graduation. Maybe... On the other hand I just want this to be over. I have no motivation, I only aim to pass the exams and the last 8 weeks of work practise that starts in about a week. I don´t really give a shit what grade I get if I only pass it.

I can feel it coming. The cry, head ache, palpitation, sleepless nights, anxiety... I´ve learned how to handle them. I know when to expect it. Lately I´ve been thinking a lot about grandma. And the way her touch felt the last time she touched me... I´m trying to hold on to something concrete. It´s kind of funny how it stays in my mind. How she touched my ankle and what she said. I know this week I´ve thought more about her because of the stuff we´ve talked about in school... In a way it helps but sometimes it´s just too much. Sometimes I think that if I wish hard enough she´ll come back. Silly me. I still don´t get it that granddad is dead. I´ve had a lot of dreams of him lately, which I didn´t have when grandma died. Don´t know what that means... When I see an old man walking in the street, I think it´s him but then I remember.

I just noticed a few blogs that I have read regularly have vanished. Not found. I guess that wouldn´t be such a bad idea.

This is cute. Check it out.

2006-01-23T01:28:00.000+02:00

I´ve been tagged. My (all) 5 "bad habits":

- When I do my routines before going to bed... I HAVE TO brush my teeth first and then pee. Because I want it all out right before hit the bed. :D If I don´t, I´m 100% sure I have to pee again in thirty minutes. It´s just easier this way.

- I can´t sleep the closet door open. I´m afraid something might crawl out of there... If I´m alone and turn off the lights before going to bed, I jump in as fast as I can because I think a hand is going to grab my foot from under my bed.

- My hand towels need to be organized. I hear that´s not very uncommon. :) Towels I use for hands in the bathroom on one shelf and towels I use in the kitchen or that are not so "good" on other. And they need to be straight.

- I get easily pissed off at people who are a lot like me. Who have the same flaws that I have... I see myself in them and I´m just learning it might not be just "him" to blame.

- (this is my favourite) When we´re for example driving to H´s parents I count traffic signs and street lights, and tap my foot when the car passes a sign or a light. I´ve done that since I was like 12 years old. Maybe because I`m bored...or just obsessed. Who knows.

Don´t say you´re sorry.

2006-01-16T21:13:00.000+02:00

I haven´t had much to post lately... Then again, when do I? Last week went by, was just waiting for the funeral. The only time I didn´t go to class was the day after granddad died. I had gone to bed a little before 6am and classes started at 10am. I had lots of work to do, kept myself busy most of the time.

The funeral was on Saturday. A lot of things could have gone better - but, it was still nice. A men´s choir sang (granddad used to sing with them also), it was beautiful. The guitar and all... Didn´t have that many guests. My aunt´s family, granddad´s sisters and their families, grandmom´s brother and sister and her family...some of dad´s cousins and my uncle and his family+grandpa from mom´s side. Eventho I´ve never been much of a people person, I thought it was too small. I mean, knowing granddad and his, how should I say this, social life and political activities were HUGE... But, it´s the way grandmom wanted. The whole time I didn´t understand where I was. I still don´t.

I´m numb. It´s been less than 6 months since grandma died and having to deal with this again just makes me shut down. I can´t deal with the loss of grandma, not to mention to start dealing with the latest. I´m full of contradictions. I don´t know what I´m supposed to feel. I´m sad, very... but I don´t know where to start.

Things haven´t been well with H, either... About a week ago I gave him back my engagement ring and told him to do what he wants with it. Things have been going bad between us for so long and I can´t take this anymore. I love him, that´s not the problem. And I know he loves me, too. We´re just too different, in every way that I can possible think of. It just breaks my heart, to see him hurt like this but I know this is for the best. For both of us... We both need some time to think. Him the most, I think. I know what I want, and he knows what I want. But I don´t know what he wants. "I want you" he says. That´s not enough, he can´t just BE and think everything is handed to him on a silver plate. He just doesn´t get that you have to work to make the relationship work. It´s really sad, because I want to be with him and I´m tired of kicking his ass..HEY I`M HERE, TOO!! Are all men the same? I think not... Is it really too much to ask...to say "I love you" once in a while? Without me saying it first. It´s always "same here". Or tell how gorgeous I am and how much he wants me. Heheh. Seriously, who doesn´t love compliments? I know you do. ;) Every woman needs them. I know that´s not the "real" reason, but is one of them. I NEED AFFECTION! As I´ve said a hundred times before, I know my own personal issues just make things look worse than they actually are. I have to deal with myself at first and then him.

It´s funny really, the sex turns out to be just - mind blowing, the second we "broke up". I already told him we should break up more often. I know what you´re thinking. And you´re absolutely right, it´s only messing my head. We´re still living together, it´s not easy to just leave. Specially now, right before graduation because I know I will be moving to another city in 6 months. I´m sad things turned the way they did but we should think of this as a new beginning for both of us. He´s trying, he really is... And I appreciate it more than he knows. But there is no way going back. Ever. If we decide to try (for the 20375977th time) again, I will never go back to way things were. He knows it. He actually admitted that all those times I´ve talked to him about this, he hasn´t taken me seriously. Well, it´s about time he did!

How do you do it? After all those years, how do you keep your relationship alive and satisfying?

2006-01-06T03:19:00.000+02:00

I knew it was to happen someday but I never thought it would happen so soon. This is like a nightmare, a bad dream and I´m not waking up. I´m so confused...how can it be? I´m not asking why. All I´m feeling right now is disbelief. I´m not sure what I´m supposed to feel. Of course I´m very sad and teary... My surprisingly calm state of mind is just what wondering about. Maybe I´ve grown somehow after grandma died. Maybe it gave me new ways, more strength to deal things like these in the future. Of course you never get used to it. Being this calm only makes me compare my reactions to what I felt when grandma died. Mom always says I couldn´t have done more for her. "You gave her your everything..." I did, and no doupt I´d do it again. I think it´s a lot for someone my age. I mean it all started when I was 18. Now that I think about it, I lived my life without really living it. I was like a robot...like everyone else in my family. What other choice did I have? It was like I watched someone else live my life. I still feel that way. She was my best friend. Eventho I´ve always been close with mom, grandma was different. It was so much easier to talk to her. I was only 11 when my uncle died and I don´t really remember how I felt then and grandma was the first I lost.

How can I mourn over something that never existed? He was "only" my dad´s dad. Someone who I visited on regular bases...who never asked me how I was doing. Who never called me after grandma died or even spoke to me at the funeral. In a way I don´t feel guilty for not visiting or calling them more often. A few years ago someone told me to stay in touch with my grandparents when it´s not too late. I wanted to know them. I wanted to know about their lives. I wanted to know what was going on inside their heads. I wanted it so bad... And I´m really sad that I never got to know him the way I know grandpa J (mom´s side). I tried but gave up years ago when I realized I was fooling myself. What could´ve I done? It was their choice to not to be in our lives. I don´t know why. I wish I knew... I´m not trying to be disrespectful and I have nothing bad to say about him/them. I just wish I had known him better. Eventho I never really knew him and never told him, I did love him. He was still my granddad and the reason I´m here...

I had just taken a shower when dad called me a little after 11pm. All I heard was "grandpa had a heart attack..he´s unconscious and they´re trying to save him." I got hysterical. I thought it was grandpa J. I kept yelling this can´t be happening, I always thought it only happend to OLD PEOPLE..if for example the wife dies and the husband dies six months after. Dad said he´d call me later..I quickly got dressed, H called a taxi and we drove to the hospital. Mom called me when we were driving there, didn´t talk long. I don´t know where I got the impression that they were there...they weren´t and I told the nurses grandpa´s name and they had no idea what I was talking about..no one had reported about a patient from where he lived. I tried to call dad several times and even talked mom and RM, and STILL I thought it was grandpa...I thought I was losing it. I couldn´t control myself. Then dad called, asked me to come to my grandparents´ and said granddad was dead. Then I realized it was not grandpa J. I´m somewhat ashamed of the feelings I had when I realized it wasn´t him. I was SO relieved. But then the same second I understood I had still lost someone I love...tears are falling down my cheeks now that I think about the emotional rollercoaster I had then, and still do. RM and her friend came to pick us up from the hospital...The police was there...the ambulance was just leaving... I can´t get the image out of my head. Everytime I close my eyes, I see granddad lying on the floor..so small.. I touched his hair..smoothing..makes you realize how suddenly things can change.

This feels unfair. It´s been less than six since grandma died and I´m not over it. It just feels too much for one person to handle. The night he died... I was in the shower, thinking about H´s parents and how grandma never got to meet them and how she would´ve liked them. I thought it was a shame my dad´s parents would probably never meet them. I was missing grandma...cried a bit but it was "a good cry", you know. Right now I miss her more than ever, she´d know what to say...she´d know how to make me feel better... Everything just feels so hard now. :( It´s over 5am now...I´ve got to be up a little before 11am. Annie´s coming here and we´re going to work on our diploma work. So not in the mood...

Life just sucks sometimes, doesn´t it?

2006-01-04T04:31:00.000+02:00

I can´t believe this is happening. It´s been less than six months since grandma died... What´s next? We just came home from my parents. I´m tired and can hardly keep my eyes open but I can´t sleep. I can´t believe this. My grandfather passed away, from my dad´s side. Not "grandpa". We were never that close but still, he was my granddad. I don´t know what I´m feeling...I don´t know what I´m supposed to feel. This is tough for dad. It just broke my heart to see my grandmother lying on the floor next to granddad, trying to wake him...

I´ll write more later...taking my time...

2005-12-29T12:46:00.000+02:00

What does it mean when a blogger´s account is closed, no longer active and yet they still comment on blogs?

We´ve been here, in the woods, since last Sunday. We were supposed to go home yesterday but since H doesn´t have to work this week and my classes begins on Tuesday, we decided to stay a bit longer. Was thinking of staying here till Sunday but I`m slowly starting put my hopes on tomorrow... My back is killing me after sleeping on the floor. Yack.

The kid is just perfect... Only I, H and her are home. She´s taking a nap now, we´re going outside to play after. It´s cute to see H playing in the snow with her. ;) This is the only only time I`ll be able to use the internet, so... Time to surf. :D

From the woods...

2005-12-28T01:37:00.000+02:00

Happy anniversary, baby.

2005-12-16T12:53:00.000+02:00

I feel like I´m watching people from a distance - I don´t feel christmasy at all. A month ago I was excited about getting all the lights etc. on their places. Blah. When I woke up at 11am this morning it was -16´c, the sky was bright, I was glad to get a nice 12 hour sleep and I thought - oh, only a week till Christmas. I haven´t noticed. Where did all the time go? I haven´t done my christmas shopping. I bought a present for dad with my sisters. And I got RM some real nice, if I may say, underwear. I know what she likes. And she´s gonna love those. I got some for myself too, ordered them from Miriale and it´s been a while since I´ve got a pair that good. They feel awesome. All the people getting ready for the holidays and I have no Christmas spirit. I have mixed feelings about all this. Grandma not being with us anymore makes it harder. And it is the reason. Missing her, and her traditions that made my Christmas perfect. My family has always spent the Christmas with them... I guess it´s time to make our own traditions. I and H are going to spent Christmas Eve with my family and go to H´s parents´ the next day. I`m really not happy about going there but it´s important to H...

I had my last day at work yesterday. I learned a lot but the last week, it started to get hmm - not so nice. I´m just glad it´s done now. I can now concentrate on the papers I have write and maybe even relax a little before school begins after new year.

2005-12-05T19:19:00.000+02:00

DRAGONFLY IS 33% GAY!

You´re a straight-laced girly girl with just a hint of your butch side sometimes popping out!

2005-12-04T21:43:00.000+02:00

Oh hell am I glad this week is almost over... Work´s been hard, even "fun" at times. I´m glad I still as a student can decide what shifts I want to work. (so I don´t have to work with that witch with a giant B.)

My parents being away RM is being a real pain in the ass. She´s been taking care of our youngest sister,Stinky. They´ve done ok... I´ve called Stinky everyday twice. The thing is, RM didn´t want me to come over at all because she wants to be the boss. I can´t believe someone her age still acts like that. We stopped by on Wednesday when Stinky asked us to. We had a huge fight that led into H interfere which he´s never done before. I´ve mentioned that to him many times... She can call me names etc. and he does nothing. Obviously he had had enough of her shit but RM`s reaction made me only realize how much she actually dislikes him. :( She´s never showed it the way she did then. I don´t know if it was just the situation at the time but it made me feel very sad. I know she´s got some personal issues with her boyfriend/ex but still it didn´t feel very good to hear her say those things. H doesn´t get offended very easily but when he does, he won´t forget it. This is one of those times, I can tell. This whole episode made feel like shit, for letting her get to me... I´m tired of being afraid of when she´s gonna freak out again. I feel like I always have to be careful what I say to her. Sometimes when I don´t go along with her bitching and yelling, try to be as quiet as possible, she gets annoyed by me not saying anything and starts telling me she thinks I`m childish and to act my own age. It´s not what she says, it´s the way she says it. It is so mean and scary. Whenever we have a fight I always get the blame because I`m the adult one. For god sakes she´s almost 19. So that gives her the excuse to say or do whatever she wants. I´m done with this. What hurts me the most is the way she was with H. I thought they got along pretty well. By the talks they have had... Obviously I was wrong. I guess she´s annoyed by his girly attitude at times *heh* I mean, RM is a person who doesn´t want any advice from anyone. She wants to do everything by herself. She´d probably even get married by herself if she could. Well anyway, my parents are home now.

I had a night shift last Thursday, 9pm-7.15am. I took Stinky to slide down a hill close to them before work, around 7pm. I haven´t done that in years, it was so much fun! All the laughing and fresh air just made me tired. The night went well tho, very fast and wasn´t too hard. The only problem is that I haven´t been able to sleep very well after that.

I´m now more convinced than ever that family is the worst. My sc. cousins have hired a new lawyer because their former lawyer had said they will get nothing but the part that is accorded by the law. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! Grandma´s will was very much legal and it said she didn´t want them have anything else. Plain and simple. This is getting ridiculous. They are doing this just to annoy us. Well, how ever one has their kicks. I feel so angry for grandpa. He shouldn´t be dealing with this kind of shit. I tell you, if they EVER come in my way I am going to speak my mouth clear and it ain´t gonna to be pretty.

2005-12-02T16:11:00.000+02:00

Happy Birthday, grandma.

Something from work...

2005-12-01T19:09:00.000+02:00

2005-11-26T22:36:00.000+02:00

Long story short.

Mom quit her job, and is on her way to Luxor, Egypt with dad. Way to go mom! After a hard consideration she decided to quit her job..where she wasn´t happy, obviously. I´m actually proud of her, for having had the guts to leave. She´s a pro, she´ll find another job in no time. Mom called me to work on Thursday that they had decided to go to Egypt for a week. They really need the time alone. Stinky and RM are home alone. I´m watching from a distance... ;) They know I´ve got my eye on them.

I haven´t been this tired for ages. I haven´t slept much this week. Not because I haven´t been able to...just because I´ve gone to bed too late. We took the parents to the airport this morning with RM. An hour and a half drive away. After that I went horseriding with Stinky. Now I´ve got horse shit all over my boots...love it. Went to see grandpa and now getting my house ready for Christmas. We had a late dinner after I finished ironing my new christmas curtains. They are not quite ready, I´ll finish them next week when I get more fabric...

2005-11-22T18:11:00.000+02:00

I haven´t had much to blog about lately... Life goes on and I try keep up with it. I figured no one´s interested in my dull life. :D Do you ever feel pressed of how to keep your blog alive and readable? ;)

We saw Susanna on Friday... "He" wasn´t there but their 3-month old collie was. It was adorable, very fuzzy. I found dog hair from my mouth the next day. I´ve seen Susanna maybe 4 times in these past 6-7 months. I hadn´t realised how much she had changed until I saw her again after two months. She looked so different...she´s always been pretty but now she was..just beautiful. At first it was weird being there and no one had much to say but as the time went on "the old" Susanna came for a visit. It was really nice talking to her. From the way she reacted I think she got my point when I told her I haven´t had anyone to talk to lately. We saw pictures of the boyfriend... Not the kind of a man I would have thought for her. There was something spooky in his eyes. As long as she´s happy and well...

Ohh, by the way. What to tell to a man, and encourage, when he´s got issues about, uhm, sexual performance. You know what they say about falling down from a horse´s back...gotta get back on asap to face the fear. ;)

2005-11-16T16:29:00.000+02:00

I´ve been trying to cut my computer use to minimum. And if I may say, I think I´ve done a pretty good job. The reason for my tension neck is right here... And I´ve also noticed that if I use the computer right before going to bed, I have troubles falling asleep. And I when I finally fall asleep, I wake up every 30 minutes. I haven´t slept well for a few weeks now. Lately I`ve been having these weird and restless dreams about things that I´ve seen, heard or done earlier that day. I guess it´s because of the stress... I feel less stressed out tho. I don´t feel as bad as I felt a few weeks ago, so I´m just wondering why I´m still like this. I guess it´s not that easy...

When I said earlier about talking to a pro... I did talk. Not anymore... They told me to contact them immediately if I have the need. They suggested that I think about telling my friends about the feelings I`ve had, about them leaving me when I needed them the most etc... Like I´ve said before, I´ve always been too kind. I don´t want to cause any trouble. I don´t want people to get upset... I´ve talked to Annie a little lately. Today she said she´s been thinking about what I´ve said and all, and she feels guilty for not being there for me...or hearing me cry for help. I, in fact, have never told her that I´ve been hurt by HER...only Susanna and Emma. I guess it makes no difference tho. But, I´m glad Annie sees things differently now.

I can´t wait to decorate my home for Christmas! Having a place of my own has given me a whole new meaning for Christmas. We´ve got snow! Everything looked different on the way home today, a lot lighter. I have tomorrow off from school and I need to clean the house. I changed the sheets yesterday and washed loads of laundry, so it will a bit easier tomorrow. I also have to get my sleeping routines back to normal before work practise begins next Monday. :)

2005-11-11T19:16:00.000+02:00

Boofuckinghoo. This is JUST perfect.

2005-11-09T22:56:00.000+02:00

Physical exercise is the key to my happiness. Well, it´s one of the many keys. We went to play badminton and volleyball on Saturday with friends. Yesterday I went to play badminton with my sisters, RM´s boyfriend and H. Today it was just me and H. Geez, he made me run today... I love this feeling. Maybe it´s because the mental tiredness/weakness hides behind the physical tiredness... I don´t know but I´m absolutely loving this. Long walks, fast walks... in fresh air. I´ve never been much into jogging...I like fast walking instead. I can say that I´m really proud of myself at the moment. This is exactly what I have been missing..and I "hate" myself for not realizing it sooner. It´s never too late tho.

H has been working out a lot more this week than I have. First he plays floorball or volleyball for two hours and after that he kindly stays there with me. We´ve been laughing our asses off at each other. I can hardly lift my butt off the sofa and H has troubles picking up a bottle of mineral water of the floor. It just looks too damn funny. :)

You gotta love them dogs....

2005-11-07T22:04:00.000+02:00

"You raise me up" by Josh Groban.

I miss grandma. I understand and accept that she´s no longer with us. But a thought of not having her around.. Not being able to talk to her and get a response is something I can´t handle right now. I know I have to move on with my life. And I have, step by step. Just don´t ask me to do it today. There are days when this feels like something I can´t over come. When everything feels too hard. Getting out of bed is too hard, not to mention talking with people..or smile. Why do I feel shame for grieving this much? That I don´t understand. She was "only" a grandma. I don´t think that way but I think others do.

The time has stopped for me. I don´t know how long this will last and I think I don´t need to. Everything has its time. My time hasn´t come yet.

If love was a sport, we´re not on the same team...

2005-11-07T21:36:00.000+02:00

I.am.exhausted. The weekend wore me out. It was nice, actually. We went there on Wednesday and came back yesterday. Visited H´s grandma (his dad´s mom) in the hospital, she has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer´s and osteoporosis. She´s lost a lot of weight, she has always been very small and now she´s lost almost all of what was left. She can´t move much anymore... When she tries to walk a bit she starts to feel dizzy...They have ran a lot of tests. I guess this is what they call old age, she´s 86. She´s become close to me. She´s a lot different than H´s parents, we talk a lot. It felt weird staying there and not having her around... She´s a quiet person, but still it felt so silent. H´s parents have changed somehow. I can´t tell how but they have. H said the same... Maybe the reality of how short life can be has finally kicked in. Maybe they see me in a different light after seeing me the way I was right after grandma´s death. I don´t know, and I don´t need to know. All I know is that it´s good...

We spent a lot of time at H´s parents. We walked in the nature, visited some friends and even went to play volleyball and badminton with friends on Saturday before sauna. That felt awesome!! I was so tired after that but still feeling good. It relaxing to spend a little time in sauna...not too hot...with the candles. :)

I hated coming back home... I wanted to stay there longer. Unfortunately I had school today and H had to work. Hmm. The people from Greenpeace was at his work today...something you won´t see everyday. I´m bored. Nothing happens... I get cranky and snap at him for whatever reasons. I hate myself when I`m like this. I guess the best thing to do now is take a shower and call it a night a little earlier today...

2005-11-02T10:27:00.000+02:00

Hell yeah... I´m off for the rest of the week. Going to see those ohhh so lovely in laws. Wish me luck. :)

Happy November

2005-11-01T01:59:00.000+02:00

There was nothing special in grandma´s will. Except that my dead uncle´s children were entitled only to their father´s part that was accorded by the law. Everything was supposed to be right, legally. Now the kids, my cousins, are not accepting the will. Basically, JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN. They just want to delay the process because they´re pure evil. This is just the kind of a stunt I expected them to pull. Although I hoped that for grandpa´s sake they wouldn´t. I honestly don´t understand that after all the misery they put them thru they still do everything in their power to make things worse. This is just making me so sad and fucking angry.

"Hi grandpa, I wanna come to see grandma in the hospital with you..." one of them would call. "This wasn´t such a good idea after all..." they would call the day they´re supposed to come. And grandma was expecting them, meeting after so many years. But like all the other times, they let her down.. She never easily showed how much it hurt, but the heart ache was there. Not to mention the times before her illness, all the bad talk, all the hidden tears...

Oh, I´ve had my share. We all have. I used to care. I would spend hours thinking what I did wrong to deserve to be treated like that. I stopped it 5 years ago. I tried... I tried to contact them, I tried everything but nothing was good enough. I then decided that I, and everyone else, deserve better. After that I would still say hello and maybe even have a word with them if I saw them at the market. I spoke 5 words to them at the funeral. I had absolutely nothing to say to them. I was quite surprised they even showed up. Actually, I have a lot of things to say but I have better ways to waste my energy. I will never speak to them again. And I mean never. Mom told me she had seen one of the kids and they had spoken...just casual hellos and how are yous. I couldn´t care less. I can be as childish as I want to be and not speak with them, greet or even lay my eyes on them. Thinking of them makes me sick in the stomach. Why do I bother myself about something I have no control over...

Things got bad after my uncle died. I wonder where kids, all around age 10, get the influence to ruin relationships with grandparents. It all begins from home. There´s no need to dig into this any deeper but if I, being the same age with them, am mature enough to understand the past is the past, why can´t they just let it go... But if this is what they want, let them have it. I can play this game too. Actually I´m over playing games. They don´t exist to me anymore. The easiest way to continue my life without grandma. I just wish they would put an end to this unnecessary drama and let grandpa grief in peace. Please let grandma rest in peace.

Elämä on

2005-10-31T01:37:00.000+02:00

"Don´t read my blog - you have no right to know about my life. I don´t want you to have that privelege. You don´t deserve to know about my sufferings, my joys, and my loves.

Don´t talk to me - I have nothing more to say to you. All I could say, I have already said. And to repeat myself would only be detrimental.

Don´t ask me questions - Your questions are hollow. Don´t pretend to give a shit. Actions speak volumes more than words.

Don´t act like you´re better than anyone - if I have learned anything, it is to be nice to people. Bad karma is a bitch... I know first hand.

Don´t expect me to be there for you - but I always will.

Don´t expect things to ever recover - the past is just that, the past.

Don´t wish me a Merry Christmas - it will be a great day with the people I care about most, and that care about me: my family and friends. I wish you the best though.

Don´t wish me a happy New Year - unless you wish I forget the previous year. One day begins a new year, and a new beginning." By Joseph Nickolas Razavian.

I posted that a year ago and it´s still the same... I got stood up today, again. I feel angry for even asking her, I should´ve known better. I am no longer going to be everyone´s bunching bag. Ohh those days are over. I have often thought about how much I can take. Where´s my limit of how much shit others can pour on me. I am done with this. If this is all they do to me, I am better off without them and find new people in my life. I don´t need this. This is an endless rollercoaster and I´m putting an end to it. The others stopped caring, why shoud I hold on to something that hasn´t been there for the longest time... I´m glad I´ve finally opened my eyes. I´m ready to welcome my new life - it can´t get any worse than this.

This weekend was kind of exhausting. We went to see grandpa. It was hard going there, the house felt so empty. He had grandma´s picture and a candle on the table. I don´t care if he keeps them there, it helps him. But for once I would like to go there without seeing her picture right after coming in the door... It´s hard enough without them. I never thought it would be this hard. Sometimes even shame is the right word to describe my feelings. Sometimes I think I´m not allowed to feel so much sorrow. She was "only" a grandma. Grandparents die. She was so much more than just a grandparent to me... How long is this period of my grieving process going to last...It´s so much easier to help people at work when you have all the theory you can base your sayings on but on personal matters, it´s like those books etc. never existed.

Hmmm. Speaking of Christmas. It´s going to be a quiet holiday here. My uncle is going to Brazil with his family to visit his wife´s family. And since grandma isn´t here either, there will be only me, my family, H and grandpa. Mom´s oldest brother lives elsewhere and dad´s family has never been with us... Ugh. I don´t even want to begin to think the spirit here then...

I´m glad a new week is beginning... H already went to bed as he has to wake up a little after 4am. I´m going to meet a friend of mine and her daughter in the afternoon. The house needs cleaning...and my closet needs organizing. Actually everything here needs organizing... We´ve had some serious conversations this week. I don´t know if they did any good. But I finally spoke my mouth clear, the things I´ve been afraid to say outloud to him, afraid of hurting him. I know I hurt him for saying those things, but they hurt me as much they hurt him. More than he can ever realize. I didn´t tell him anything he didn´t already know, in his heart he must have seen it. He can´t possibly be that blind for his own (and mine) actions. If things continue the way they´ve been lately, the love will end and we will get bored of each other and end up fighting and feeling only hate. Our relationship is good and I don´t want to give up. Eventho I love him, I´m not sure if it´s enough. Something is missing and I have no idea what it is. I´m personally so confused about myself, my feelings and thoughts so I don´t know what to expect from others either... Maybe time will tell.